/lit/ - Literature

>>8725545
here's on I hope to revise soon
any pointers?

>>8717114
if you break the third line at out and indent my mouth until its right under where it was i think the rhythm will improve

the filigrees/ironies rhyme is bad and if it wasn't for it, this piece would be much stronger than your other one (especially if you could hone in on what you're trying to say exactly, this one feels a touch unfocused to me)

>>8602294
cool structuring, but the phrasing isn't the best
1st 2nd and last lines are the issues for me.
The re purposing of the word place is really nice and a technique you don't see often ( using the exact same word in a grammatically/denotatively different way)

place around with it and push your images harder.

i'm assuming this is the poetry crit thread btw

>>8588385
the rhyming feels extremely forced. Especially, the final couplet. your one slant rhyme has a good sonic quality, but the rest are very "spoon, moon" sounding.

the rhythm could use some work, due to the use of comma/dash occasionally making the lines stutter