/lit/ - Literature

>>7518455

I'm the guy who builds these communities and shows up to ruin the day on alt accounts. The comedy here is off beat. There is no investment in you, or your wife, or the community you describe. "Once upon a time, I was in a web community and there were two retards. They did retarded stuff; lol we didn't like them, no one did. One day we tricked them by making them look stupid and they left. The end :). Then one it didnt matter anyway so i made this reddit comment"

>>7518457

You're trying too hard to impress. You need to make your descriptions less superfluous, and the imagery more concise. This means no ambiguity like "seemingly" or "vastness" (no context). Writhing and throbbing are so similar it's almost pointless. Slimy and oily etc. These are just modifiers, not imagery.

>>7518497

Great another waking up confused and dazed and slowly feeling through the universe(TM) shit show. How about instead of starting a glacial pace, you stop wasting my fucking time.
I've seen this a million times. Start writing something of substance.

>>7518944

That long pseduo-intellectual introduction/note from the author can get cut. The character is a nobody. He is a name that took drugs and while that might be compelling, you've done nothing to back him up as a character with personality. The grammar is not the worst thing ever, but a lot of those full stops seem like splices. You certainly (perhaps as a stylistic choice) have a lot of sentence fragments pervading this. Consider spending less time trying to impress the reader, and more time describing the events and setting of the story itself. You have a 30% story 70% shit.

>>7519006

I just don't think this is how Mario and Lugi would act in any universe.
>>7519009

The bastard child of Shakespeare and teen angst. I don't really get what i'm supposed to take away from this. I guess I just don't understand it. There was some interesting imagery, but taken holistically, it doesn't read with a cohesive arc. The character is bleeding. Woe is him. The end :)