/lit/ - Literature

>>18102315
What's with the japs and St. Sebastian

>>11185544
I don't want to be loved.

I want to be hated and looked down upon. It is the only way that I can justify the bitterness and spite that dominates my soul. I am surrounded by friends and family who wish to give me their genuine compassion and care despite my rejection of it. The people around me want to know my heart and be part of my life.

Despite their seemingly loving intentions, there is nothing I want to do more than to throw away their oureaching hands and rot away in my self inflicted isolation. I feel as though I do not deserve their care, or perhaps that I am too good for it. I'm not sure. Either way, the emotional intimacy that I am beginning to feel with those close to me is making me sick. With each conversation that draws me closer to them, I am compelled to push them farther away. I want to die sad, bitter and alone. Content only in the knowledge that I did this to myself and that it is what I chose; free from the rejection of my peers.

I had a true love once. With a good and faithful woman. We met when we were both still children in terms of emotional depth, and held on to one another much longer than we should have; both through naivete and optimism. Not only did I grow to take her for granted; I rejected and intentionally responded to her love with contempt. I closed my self off and chose to take comfort in the smallest and most meaningless deceptions, only so as to keep a part of myself away from her. I didn't even know what I was doing when I did it. I am a filthy and wicked person.

Now there is another woman who is pursuing me. She seems to have pure intentions of emotionally supporting me and caring for my vulnerable side in return for whatever she sees of value in me.

Despite that, my own bitterness and spite that has festered since the end of my last relationship has led me to want to respond to this growing affection with nothing but cruelty. Instead of opening my heart to this woman and letting my life fall into hers, I have nothing but the desire to manipulate and hurt her. I take small jabs to subtly tell her that I want nothing to do with her, all while pursuing her nontheless. In one moment I will tell her that I have an affection for her unlike others that I have felt before. The next, I tell her that she is meaningless and that she would be best to avoid me. There's no reason for any of it. I merely want to inflict pain on her until she is driven away by my inner ugliness.

I think I'm gonna read No Longer Human next.

>>11135783
You mean this St. Sebastian?

If you give a quick rundown of the story your question could be easier to answer. I had this thought about a story a while ago that I thought was alright and I would like to share.

So reincarnation is real but humans still have no knowledge of it outside of theorizing. A demon, Lucifer's favorite and basically the general in hell's army who acquired that position through his notoriety as a human, watches over a boy who is his reincarnated self after him. The boy grew up fatherless, and most of his relatives dead with only his mother and a few alive. Throughout the years of watching him the demon becomes attached to him, not knowing if it is love or if he sees the boy as himself. Eventually the demon becomes so infatuated with the boy he goes to earth and makes contact with the boy, who is already in his early 20's. On earth he takes the form of his human self before he became a demon so he can fit in, and befriends the boy.

Lucifer discovers this and attempts to meddle between the affair. He doesn't care that the demon is his general or what he did to gain that role. He loathes him caring for a human and wants to sabotage the relationship. So Lucifer sends the boy back in time to when the demon was a human, before the boy was ever born. The boy discovers that the demon started a war that ended in the deaths of countless lives, including the boy's father and relatives. Lucifer tells the boy that if he wanted to prevent to deaths of his father, relatives, and many others, he would have to kill the demon in this time. Though if the boy did that, he would effectively prevent himself from being born because he was the reincarnated self of the demon, to which he had no knowledge of.

Sensibility, pain, pleasure, discipline, sacrifice, submission, passion, time, plans, dissatisfaction, vengeance, ritual, piety, obsession, uncaniness, disgust

It's mostly a way for me to sort my own neuroses.