/lit/ - Literature

>>10089153
Continuation for this.

>>10085100
Comma already not necessary, the very first sentence can't really stand on it's own I don't think. Pace slowed down already. Not a good start, senpai.

Fortunately for you The rest down is pretty good, noir stuff so far, at least, that's what I got from the vibe. Good job. Then I hit the two "times" on the start of the third paragraph after the line of conversation.
Here's some other words you can use for in place of time: term, spell, span, epoch, era.
It's distracting stuff, diversify your words on a range that close to each other.

Also the comma between "destination" and "I had" was again not necessary, see first complaint above, similar problem.
Also she has a backpack AND a purse? What? Busy woman, I suppose.
Last sentence also had the comma problem; between "foot" and "I shook."

Overall, bretty good, anon. Rough start, good execution I think. Noir setting: established.

Also cute grrl, would place in kitchen/10