/lit/ - Literature

>>9650893
I know I'm not adding much to the conversation, but this is too verbose.

>>9651266
Like the previous post, too wordy.

>drought on my mind and drought in my eyes with the feeling of nothingness
breaks the parallelism rule, it's better to just have two fitting details than two fitting details and one extraneous detail.

>the beige superannuated broken down cupboard door
Should be punctuated. Again, consider dropping one of these adjectives. Separate the remaining two with a comma.

Overall, funny meme, but could be improved.

>>9651468
Rupi? Is that you?

>>9651484
Very dry. Didn't really feel like I "knew" the narrator or Mark, just read some facts. Some of the sentences like
>He eventually got a job just in time for the summer tourist boom.
are poorly worded.

>>9653408
This isn't a flaw per se, but it'd make it easier to differentiate between these two characters if they had different pronouns. They could be "the lad" and "the man" or "the boy" and "the man," or something along those lines. This is easier in romance languages cause you can just turn adjectives into nouns, but there's ways to do it in english too.

Unfortunately, the punchline didn't quite land.

>>9654762
This moves a little too quickly, try to space things out so there's at least one reasonably-long paragraph per setting.

The "umbrella with a large designer name" is a kind of clunky phrase. Why not just use an existing brand, or a different way of establishing its value?

Also,
>When the bus had reached my stop,
is the wrong tense. It should be
>When the bus reached my stop,

Interested to see where this goes. Is it slice-of-life-y?

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Pic related is my piece, thinking of sending it to a contest soon. Thoughts?