/lit/ - Literature

Recently I went on a few dates with this guy I’ve been talking to lately. Last week he took me to see a movie, and there were all of these violent scenes that made me startle and flinch. The whole time he kept looking over at me to see if I was scared, and then he reached over to hold my hand. For whatever reason this made me feel even more anxious, but I just let him do it, because I didn’t want to be rude. Then he wanted to walk me home afterwards, and the whole way I was getting more and more panicked, because I knew that he was going to try and kiss me and I realized that I couldn’t go through with it. Just as I suspected, when we got to my building he asked if he could kiss me goodnight, and I didn’t know what to say. I probably looked terrified, and I just made some awkward excuse while backing away.

He texted me later that night and said that he was sorry if he’d done anything that made me uncomfortable. I felt really bad, so I reassured him that he hadn’t done anything wrong and tried to let him down easy (pic related). Thankfully, he was pretty understanding about it: he said he still wants to spend time with me and hopes we can be friends. I haven’t replied yet, because I don’t know what I should do— he’s a nice person and we have some common interests, but it’s pretty obvious that he thinks I’ll change my mind if he waits around for long enough, which won’t happen. Anyway, I can’t stop agonizing over someone else that I can’t have and will probably never see again.

At this point I worry that I’m too much of an antisocial autist to ever be in a relationship. I can’t disclose my authentic thoughts to anyone anymore, even if they’re kind, because I constantly fear being rejected. In social situations I can play along and successfully fake it for a while, but it’s so emotionally draining that I usually end up feeling even more alone in the end. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.