/lit/ - Literature

pleased if any section is critiqued (don't feel obliged to read all of it, unless you end up enjoying it)
should i continue with this format -- stylistically disjointed anachronistic scenes?

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i'll crit some more of you kiddos in a bit


>>12348429
slightly promising. but trying too hard. delete redundant phrases. eg: "at...high" in bongo simile, the odd word here and there (eg: WOOD floor, KEEPING a rhythm).
delete "then" to start a sentence. it's normally implied that sentences are ordered in time.
etc etc. i could go through and clean it up but that's your job. basically: it's a first draft of sometime decent. very unclean atm
also: less is more. delete 25% of onamatopeas, or smish them all into a big run-on sentence or joycean neologism
second sentence is brilliant, nothing else stands out in terms of pure syntax.

>>12350180
present tense isnt THAT bad. it has ya connotations ofc, so be careful. delete redundant words (capitalised): eg "THE sleep paralysis", "he BEGINS TO move(s) towards THEM, THE PEOPLE OF obscured faces...", "SOME TIME AGO", "none of it HE SAYS" etc etc. just go through and think "can i delete this word, phrase, sentence?" and if yes, then 80% of the time, you should. (unless it's a beautiful sentence for aesthetic reasons. but "no progress is being made" etc aren't)

>>12350218
it's not that bad. but a bit dull. repetition of "implies" is ineffective.
>>12350225
1) the 19th century isnt exactly the most poetic age lmao, and 2) i can imagine blake or carroll writing something just as silly.

>>12338415
>>12338415
>>12338415
>>12338415
>>12338415
how do you like these (you)'s you little slut?

3rd makes more sense now. ignore my meter comment. also why switch between present (claims) and past (was). also try:
"I'm not going to eat you," claimed
The Lioness.
to stress the lioness even further.

in future, if context is needed to understand the poem -- you'll get better critique if you add that.
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could you check my prose? specifically the sixth section (far right, don't feel obliged to read any of the rest). context: a lesbian love story between a forest nymph and a cyborg. section 6 is the chapter explaining the cyborg's arrival on earth, where she's adopted by an Austrian priest.