/lit/ - Literature

Can I get some input on this? It's chapter 1

https://pastebin.com/zA4JYgC3

Braun and the Burning Blade
Young Adult Fantasy novel

I got this fantasy project I'm working on. Publisher guidelines usually ask for the first three chapters, so you really got to deliver at the beginning of the book.

Heres chapter one, I'm not going to send them the prologue and instead send this and chapter 2-3.

Would like feed back please

https://pastebin.com/f5RJCYye

Working on a fantasy novel and need some hard core 4 chan this is garbage feed back, I guess if I can make this somewhat palatable to you guys I might be on to something.

Heres chapter one, I have a 56k word draft and I'm trying to really polish it. I'm working on this first chapter over and over again until I get it right, after all the first chapter is one of the most important right?

I posted this earlier and was called out for simple mistakes, so I ran it though grammerly and gave it two more once-overs. I think I got most of the little problems solved. Looking for input about style, world building, and over all "I want to find out what happens next" feelings

https://pastebin.com/26Ay78bM

I'm worried it's too short, where can I expand this, a page is about 240 words so this is just under three pages, i would like it to be around four

heres a quick synopsis btw since the two responses ive gotten haven't been pure hatred...

Braun lives on a farm with his mom, longs for adventure (I really tried to create a luke skywalker feel in the first chapter, like he's a regular hero that you're supposed to root for) he finds a magic sword that lights on fire when he pulls it out.

Anias is the noble daughter of a regional lord, betroth to the much older king of the continent, she doesn't like this and runs away

she has a chance encounter with Braun and he falls in love with her and wants to help her get across the country to a port city so she can flee the wedding

along their journey braun lies, cheats, and bluffs his way though most challenges "Nobody's good at lying...lying is just really easy"

they meet a paladin who sees the sword and wants to help them (he has the power to tell when people are lying)

they figure out the king isn't going to marry Anias, he's going to sacrifice her in a ritual to start the apocalypse

Anias gets captured, Braun and Del (the paladin) go to the kings castle, Braun kills EVERYONE there and gets to the king

the king says "I wasn't going to kill her to start to apocalypse, killing her prevents it" Del can sense he's telling the truth. Braun doesn't care and kills both of them

He rescues Anias, lies about what happened to Del, and they ride off into the sunset together "Nobody's good at lying...lying is just really easy..."

I'm not going to come out and say it, but something in book one will imply it, the apocalypse starts when Anias looses her virginity, so book two will end with Braun and Anias's wedding night...and demons from hell breaking out of a giant fault line in the continent and laying waste to everything

So heres the first chapter of my fantasy novel, I've been submitting to duotrope publishers and so far have gotten 2 rejections. One of them said "You need to tighten up your prose a little" so how do I do that? anyone got any help?

https://pastebin.com/FhL22cHS

When Subverting Cliches how do you get your ready to get though the set up of them in acts 1 and 2 without thinking "Oh this is so cliche" even though i'm totally going to subvert all of them in act 3

Our hero, Braun, is a young farmboy who lusts for adventure

He gets a magic sword

Meets a princess who needs protecting from being kidnapped

The sword is a holy relic and him having it means he's the ancient prophesied hero who will save the world from the great world ending threat, the calamity.

They meet a paladin, and together they deduce that the evil king wants to kidnap the princess to sacrifice her for a ritual that will start said calamity

Princess gets captured, Braun and Paladin rush to the castle to save her, cut their way though dozens of gaurds and get tot he king.

The king explains that sacrificing her is the only way to STOP the apocalypse, braun doesn't listen, kills the king , and kills the paladin

rescues princess and doesn't tell her that her being alive will eventually lead to the end of the world.

One of the things ive done is thoughout the book I show that Braun is actually a very good liar. And I do the lampshade hang when the kings jester says "Oh the princess is gone, maybe she's absconded with some dashing rouge, so romantic...if a bit cliche"

Also the sword is magic and lights on fire, and it gives him burns that crawl up his arm, if I write the series, the sword will keep burning him and this will be a metaphor for his corruption and selfishness.

Eventually if the series continues Braun will flat out become the villain by the end of it (and the very end will be his final suicidal act of redemption)

So I think I have something here, a hero falling to be a villian told over several books, a slow progression, but I need to make Braun likable enough that people understand the justifications he gives for his actions and before you know it...you're sympathizing with a villian.

what do you think?

Okay writing my fantasy novel, I come here for tips because 4chan is the nexus of hate on the internet, so If I can make something you guys like, it MUST be air tight.

Young hero get's a flaming sword
(It's a weapon forged by angels who thousands of years ago fought off an army of demons and helped early men develop and build a society...until man did something that angered the angles and they abandoned them. the major religion of the world is that when the demons invade again the angels will return and save everyone)

There is a princess, 14 years old, most beautiful girl in the kingdom and she is betroth to marry the much older (45) king of the country, she hates this and runs away.

Hero finds out the sword will eventually consume if he keeps using it, it's burning his hand when he pulls it out.

Hero meets up with girl, falls instantly in love with her and says he will help her get to safety.

The two travel for a while, across the continent exploring the world, developing their relationship. (To hide her, and get around problems, hero tends to lie a lot, like, he's actually really good at lying)

The King keeps sending soldiers and mercenaries after them, and the king has this court jester who is more then he seems

As hero fights with the sword, more burns start to develop going up his arm. As the wielder of the sword there are prophecies

Having the sword says he's the great hero that will save all of mankind from the calamity (when the demons return)

They meet up with a paladin, a divine warrior of the angels, he can detect lies whenever they're told (And our hero is a liar, so this puts them at odds) They get along okay, he wants to help, after all our MC is the great hero who will stop the apocolypse

Together Hero, princess, and paladin deduce that the king doesn't want to marry the princess, he wants to sacrifice her to start the calamity, and his jester is part of a dark order of sorcerers that want to start the apocolypse

Princess gets kidnapped by the jester (he uses his dark magics to capture her)

So Hero and Paladin agree, we have to go to the kings castle, just kill everybody and get her back and stop the apocolypse

they get to the castle, kill EVERYBODY, the sword's fire is spreading through the castle as they cut their way though dozens of gaurds.

We find out that the king wants to STOP the calamity, and the jester kills him, the girl is needed for a ritual but not the ritual the king thinks, the jester wants to start the calamity.

Hero and Paladin find the king, he's dying, says that the girl needs to die to stop the calamity. Paladin can sense he's telling the truth and says we need to kill the girl. Hero is having none of this, beheads the king, then has an epic final battle with the paladin, and kills him.

Working on my book, I think I have a really good ending, but that doesn't matter if I don't keep interest and have likable characters that people will follow to the ending.

Chapter one- we get a mystery, our young hero finds a man in the forest, his body burnt to a crisp, wearing armor he doesn't recognize as being from this country, and he's holding a sword, hero takes the sword

Our Heroine, a 14 year noble old girl is engaged to marry a 45 year old king, she runs away

Hero pulls out the sword and finds out it lights on fire when he uses it (This would be the cover, it's called Braun and the Burning Blade) So now we have a flaming sword, which is cool, so i hope that will get a readers interest (and it burns his hand when he uses it, so we have stakes, the more he uses it, the closer he gets to ending up like the burned man)

Girl comes to the town that our hero lives in and sees a member of a doomsday cult preaching that the apocolypse is coming and only the man with the burning blade can stop it

Hero learns about the sword from the old bookkeeper and is told to get rid of it, while leaving town he meets the girl and falls in love with her.

Hero finds out that the kings men are looking for her, so he runs back to town, shows her the sword, and helps her escape before the soldiers find her.

They ride for a little while, we get some character development, and then get stopped by two soldiers who recognize her, this is where we have our first action scene, pretty brutal, slashes a guy down the back and cuts the others arm off. By using the sword, some burns start appearing on his palm.

And that's a REALLY quick rundown of act 1, here are our characters

Bruan- 17, lives a boring life as a farmer, wants adventure, has always dreamed of getting a sword, he's smart, quick thinking, and this is really important, can lie really easily,

Anais- 14, beautifle a little spoiled, brash, does things without fully thinking them through.

What are some things I can do to really knock this first act out If I can get the reader that far, they'll probably read the rest of the book.

I feel like Anais needs a little more work, we want them to get together so they need to have really good chemistry

The thing with this project is that it is a very traditional Hero's journey, and somewhat cliche, rescue a princess to save the world, but the ending throws everything on it's head and he ends up having to tell a HUGE lie to her and actually puts the world in danger by saving her.

Okay chapter 1 of my fantasy novel, i've been having a friend do some editing help for me and she really thinks I need to nail this first chapter (I have about 50k words written of the whole project and just a few more scenes to add to the first draft) She's really helping me extend it and go into more detail, which i need, because I want to get this up to 80-90k words so people who matter will actually look at it

I wont provide a summary because chapter 1 should sit on its own, I have a rough draft of a prolouge that involves several cult members gathering around a fire, sacrificing a lamb, and saying that "The hero has returned" so that's the set up, here goes...

It's called

"Braun and the Burning Blade"

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VehNizYdsmzYXfR8P7fSRMWGCSRprYoMyoAODsiBso0/edit?usp=sharing