/lit/ - Literature

I always felt like it was about being an unremarkable, mediocre man. While Gregor might be a bit too old to be a perfect example of what I'm describing, I think at some point in life, many young men or teenage boys wake up some day and unconsciously realize that no one really "wants" them the same way as they were "wanted" when they were younger. Their siblings and parents will no longer be as affectionate with them, it suddenly seems drastically harder to make friends, and teachers and professors don't seem to engage with them directly as much. The world is suddenly much more cold and distant than it was the day before. This is their metamorphosis. They are no longer the sweet child their parents cherished or a loving brother or a good student. They have grown old enough to become nothing more than another worker bug in society. Their value in our society comes entirely from their ability to work. If they cannot work, then they are simply a pest, a vermin.

Of course, this is all a part of growing up, but this metamorphosis has the most affect on the nondescript male. When girls, or certain fortunate men, grow up, they are still "wanted" and admired in some way that isn't dependent on their ability to contribute to the economy. For the average or below man, they must orient themselves towards that work-centric lifestyle. And for any below average man that doesn't contribute? They are seen as revolting. Even the family that once cared ever so dearly for him wants him gone. That never happens to women, or attractive men.

I try to hold myself to the standard of rugged individualism, I try to live my life for myself, and not care what others think, I try to chose my own fate, Nietzschean self-actualization and all that, but I don't think I can do that anymore. It is a path that has only made me unsure of who I am and what I want, and deeply unhappy. As much as I would like for it to not be true, I unfortunately do care what other people think. Not only that, I care about other people. I need other people. Humans are social animals. I'm a human. I need to do things for other people, or I will never be happy. Even if I get nothing out of it. I am no Nietzschean master, I am a Nietzschean slave. I am too compassionate, humble, self-sacrificial, to live solely for myself and feel good about it. It is a fault of mine. I'm an atheist, but I am a christcuck slave. Within me there is an inextinguishable desire to help others through teaching them. I'm unconsciously polite and honest all the time, at least in real life. I'm a slave. I'm a beta. I'm a sheep. It's easier for me to be kind to people than it is for me to be hostile, and I hate myself for all this. I have ressentiment towards those who don't have ressentiment. No point in fighting it, I guess. From now on I will stop being myself, and start being nice instead.