/lit/ - Literature

I'm finding my job in a large company excruciating. It's just too social. And this is while everyone is working from home lol.

I have to act in a social manner to get anyone to do anything. There have to be constant meetings to convince people in other teams to do things. And when I ask other people to do things they never do anything. I can't stand it.

Nobody, including me, is technical. We are the non-technical shitty froth above the people who get actual work done.

I'm so lazy. I lack all initiative. I can't do anything productive in my free time.

I am an ugly charismaless meek bore. I have had no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, and I've never been to a pub, club, or party, even though I went to university.

Normies have easy lives. They simply float through normie filled institutions that judge them solely on normieness. I find interviews nearly impossible because I'm not posh or extroverted. Trying to be productive while sitting at home feels so cucky, it's unreal. Teenagers make millions on bitcoin. Chad and Stacey go to their City of London sinecures and then party every night. What the hell can I do at home? Learn programming? It's too late anyway. Thousands of people graduate from prestigious universities every year. They are all headed straight towards success.

My main hobby for the past 5 years has been driving or walking around the city while feeling sad about life, hoping my 20s spontaneously stop feeling wasted. I'm now 28. Life feels wasted. People my age are beginning academic careers or making 6 figures in silicon valley or investment banking or law. I have wasted incredible amounts of time on the internet.

I have binged on junk food almost every day for the past 3 years. I can't give up coffee either. It gives me an aimless energy.

Walking through hipster London areas like Shoreditch or Camden Town demoralised me to the extreme. Also with all the rich areas. Youth and money are everything.

How will I cope when I have to work 9-5? I've done it before and it was unbearable, even with a short commute. And most jobs are dead end jobs. You are either on the Oxbridge / public school to riches track or you are not. And so much money goes on rent.

>go to catalog
>ctrl+f "book"
>42 results
>ctrl+f "guenon"
>46 results

>>14228060
>I felt like such a loser when walking in central London because of all the Chad and Stacey couples. It was so demoralising.

>tfw literally nothing has changed in years

>Finnegans Wake

>>13753155
>obviously designed to appeal to kids (wouldnt it be great if you got swept off to wizard school away from your mean parents?)
>really shallow villain motive; they all live in an ethnostate and have magical powers by blood and basically nothing can change that; dumbledore's army of "anti-racists" just want the right to go charm a dumb muggle girl who will never leave them
>quidditch is fucking dumb
etc

I'm an ugly beta autist loser 28 year old with no friends, acquaintances or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, and I've never been to a pub, club, or party, even through university.

I did a degree I had no interest in, so I forgot everything in it. I became the ugly loser that nobody talked to within one day of all of my jobs. I'm blackpilled and know that women and Chads have lives on easy mode and sex and good times on tap, while my life will be difficult

I waste all my free time on internet browsing. I binge on junk food and coffee almost every day, which rapes my bank balance. I have no passions. I have read many more books than most people my age but couldn't talk about anything in an informative manner for more than 10 minutes. I see my previous success in education as evidence of my lack of initiative and high docility. I now feel more proud of the times when I did badly due to losing all interest- at least that was evidence of balls.

I'm a meek, charismaless loser. I failed over 50 graduate job interview processes. I have a good job that I will start later this year but I am not posh or extroverted enough to succeed in the workplace. A large percentage of my money will go on rent. Working 9-5 feels like a prison sentence.

I'm 28 and have none of the happy social memories that people my age have. I lived in London for over a year and felt sad the entire time, from summer to summer. My job miraculously required no work and I couldn't use the time at all. I spent two years straight as a NEET or working part time, and I didn't show any initiative to do anything seriously productive in my free time at all.

I envy people that can "produce", i.e., entrepreneurs, STEM academics, good artists. I just mindlessly consume. And at work, I will be a bureaucrat. I am back office material without any connections. There are hundreds of 21 year olds making millions through software.

>wake up at 8 or 9 am, after watching Federer lose late at night
>browse internet, finish coffee in the house
>replace my old laptop with my new one (could help me break my habits)
>go to gym
>lifting goes well, go back home, have healthy food
>go outside
>don't bother walking, just waste time in car, browsing internet on phone, contemplating the pointlessness of a zero motivation life
>see lots of happy stusent zoomer normies in the primes of their lives and feel like a boomer, except unhappy
>plan to go for a short walk and I don't know what after that: maybe one final fast food and junk food binge, to spur a life epiphany
>pseudy book is within arms reach but I am procrastinating reading it

How the hell do I get the motivation to do anything productive in my free time?

When I woke up I realised that if I wanted to be productive, I'd probably have to wake up at 7 and start by 9, or else I'd be kidding myself about my productivity. What a cucked existence. I hate working hard. I hate doing no work. I hate everything in-between.

It's sunny and clear skyed. This reminds me of that really fucking aimless summer after university but before my first good job, where I'd go to the cinema a lot to feel less alone. I didn't drive so much back then, so I'd get the bus and browse the internet as it went around the entire route. I would go to my city's fairly crappy library but it felt like being a loser who couldn't do something productive, like make millions through programming at home or anything else a smart and high energy person would do. Of course it was all futile and I stayed bored, unproductive, lacking all motivation.

Flashback 2: Me, less than a year ago, sleepily working in a retailcuck job in the morning, at the start of a 9 hour shift, working out how many hours until I have enough money to not bother with work until I move back to London. Of course since then I've wasted shitloads on junk food and need to work full time for 2 months to be comfortably NEET.

>Finnegans Wake

>be me late last night
>finish reading the last 20 pages of a boring book for the tiny amount of pseud cred then slept
>woke up before 9 am (early for me; probably had bad sleep due to too much coffee)
>have told myself I've given up junk food aftet yesterday's binge
>told myself I'll eat nothing until noon tomorrow
>browse internet, drink crappy coffee, read about Brexit being cancelled
>no motivation, no inspiration
>tell myself that I'll have one last binge today and then give up both junk food and coffee tomorrow
>know that my inability to do productive stuff in my free time is my main problem
>go outside
>will go for a walk and listen to podcasts, then have a Starboocks coffee, then another walk around a park, then a binge (maybe McDonalds), then readings then the gym at night

I wrote a note to myself (on my phone), saying to stop junk food and coffee tomorrow. But I wrote in the note that I just need to do productive stuff in my free time and then I can get rid of all life rules / spooks. But my desire to do productive stuff instead of be fat is a spook. I can't win. Whether a spook is a mental illness or a simple desire to get a pebble out of my shoe, it's still a spook that tortures me. Regardless, I feel optimistic about giving up the unhealthy stuff tomorrow.

I'm sure that my anguish at spooks is a high IQ feeling that most people don't understand. I am annoyed by my inability to be as pure as Plato's forms.

I am 3/4 through a midwit but enjoyable book. I thought of starting another book before I had finished the first. "But that means I can't focus on one thing and I'd dilute my effort. But reading more than one book at once is no effort and many people do it. But i can get more pseud cred if I skip the midwit book and read the old, boring one. But I should read for enjoyment. But I should read a discrete number of old boring books before only reading for enjoyment. But I know this guilty feeling that makes me want pseud cred will never leave me and I should fight it now. And reading isn't a producerbull activity, it's consumercucky. Ideas can be summarised. But what if someone asks me if I've read that old book and I say no and they think I'm a pleb. But I know they're wrong. But I know that perceptions matter more than reality in many cases. And should I read the book all at once to finish it sooner? But I can't waste a day on only reading. But I know I'd waste it anyway. But ideally I wouldn't waste it, and then, compared to the ideal day, filled with producerbull activities, reading would be a waste of time. And I should always be reading 3-5 books so I'm always in the mood for something to read and I'll get more reading done. But I am pathetic if I admit that I can't make myself read or give up one book and I would procrastinate instead. But procrastination is part of human nature and I should plan for it. But plans constrain me and can conditionally be overruled."

Now multiply that by the number of other life activities.

>woke up earlier than usual after having a large McDonalds binge yesterday and not going to the gym
>drink coffee, browse internet
>google "LinkedIn SpaceX engineer" and feel demoralised while looking at profiles of people with high paid jobs they love
>read around 70 pages yesterday and tell myself I'll read a lot in the coming days for pseud cred and inspiration but the idea fails to inspire me at all because reading is a consumercuck activity
>go outside to feel sad about life
>walk for a while on a warm but uninspiring day
>listen to a podcast that has a politician who had an easy life and who is now successful
>feel demoralised as I get back in my car from my walk, but then feel more motivated for some reason
>plan to have one last binge today: I think simply considering this Pavloved me in to a better mood
>plan to go on another walk, read, go to the gym in the evening, and start my real life tomorrow

I was invited for a job interview for a full time retailcuck job that would let me save more money than I need within 2 months but I was struck with terror as I imagined being indoors on a day like this: uninspired as fuck.

I don't know how the fuck I can wake up tomorrow and feel like I can do anything productive in my free time. It's easy to say I will, but I said that on many previous days.

>woke up
>had some junk food while mindlessly browsing internet
>go outside and walk around a bit while feeling sad
>go to burger king and binge
>go and buy junk food just as an excuse to walk around the shiny bright supermarket
>go home and mindlessly browse internet and leave exercise for tomorrow
>currently lying in bed at 11:24 pm

I have watched multiple Elon Musk videos and saw his meme review and I have concluded that life is a pointless joke because I'll never do anything that's 10 % of his importance.

My bank account has been raped so much due to my junk food buying, it's unreal. I'm not under any pressure though.

I have no idea how to motivate myself to do anything productive in my free time. For over 3 years I've delayed my "real life", which would consist of me working extremely hard.

>woke up at 8.30 am
>do some boring chores and then browse internet and have some junk food
>put away my laptop that I use for mindless internet browsing and don't intend to bring it back out
>go outside and walk around some parks while feeling sad about life (saw a genuine GigaStacey, which felt bad)
>now it's 5:58 pm and I intended to go to the gym at night but now I want to have one last binge which would leave me too full to exercise, although the previous junk food has stopped me from truly craving anything

It was sunny but the day still felt pointless.

I'm simply completely purposeless and lacking in motivation. I know that my ugly betaness means my life is on hard mode.

I told myself I'd have no more junk food but I woke up today and all I want is Ben and Jerry's ice cream and doritos

>woke up
>browse internet, have some junk food
>have gone outside walking
>the weather is literally like summer
>realise that when summer actually comes, it'll feel much better to have money in the bank and less fat so I am not a fat sweaty mess like I am right now
>go back home and eat remaining junk food
>about to binge on fast food, on my last day of unhealthy eating

I know this is dumb but I am currently agonising over whether or not I can give up junk food or coffee without being existentially cucked. On the one hand, I am redpilled about Stirner, so I know I am the guy who creates my own spooks. On the other hand, having any spooks at all makes me feel cucked and like I'm limiting myself. On the other hand, I am under constant attacks from other spooks. On the other hand, if I have any spook other than "Do what I want at the time", it's like admitting I'm a pathetic cuck who needs a master (e.g., a rule such as "No junk food"). On the other hand, I would create those rules and could change them at any time. On the other hand, people can choose to be cucks, and their ability to stop at any moment doesn't stop them being cucks.

And the very fact that I think of myself in probabilistic terms is fucking humiliating. I feel guilty for not figuring out a life philosophy that would let me know what to do at all times, while maximising happiness, wealth, success etc. I know that's stupid and, like the underground man, even if I knew this philosophy I would disobey it to feel free. I also feel (mostly) sure that dismissing this problem will lead to me being lazy and going back to being a slave to habit.

The sunniness was nice but depressing in an all new way. The California startup millionaires who work hard despite being distracted by incredible weather every day truly are gods.

>woke up at noon
>mindlessly browse internet
>go outside and walk around a park
>go back home and binge on junk food but not a lot
>currently mindlessly browsing internet, hoping my life motivation will appear

I am so bored. I have actual productive stuff that I have to do by the end of tomorrow but I'm procrastinating. I'm thinking of writing today off, lol. I say lol because I have procrastinated this for over a few weeks.

I can't see anything being rewarding. I daydream about various scenarios like what I'll be like in my new job but I can't see anything as rewarding. I have zero charisma.

Even if I learn programming, life will still be an eternal grind. When I start my white collar job, life will be a grind.

I need to stop the junk food. I need more money in the bank

>>12559230
First chapter is protag contemplating life while on his way to school

>be me yesterday
>woke up at 11 am, mindlessly browse internet while drinking coffee, go to gym in evening, have a large junk food binge at night while watching the Superbowl, go to sleep at almost 5 am
>superbowl was disappointing but afterwards I still felt that emptiness I feel after the end of major sporting events (Noticing that it was a great distraction from my life and something now has to fill it)
>be me today
>woke up at 1 am
>have the small amount of remaining junk food
>browse internet a small amount
>have gone outside on a cold and sunny day
>despite the temperature, it's sunny without clouds, so I feel demoralised in a summer time way
>have wasted so much money on binge food in the past month, it has eclipsed my NEETbux easily;
>try to figure out the optimum hours per week to ask for if I get another retailcuck job (not too much, because I'll be demoralised as fuck; not too few because then I may as well be on NEETbux and a few binges would wipe out a week's pay)
>the crushing dullness of a wagecuck job is coming to me when I try to remember
>currently drinking Starbucks coffee outside
>will spend rest of today reading, moping, going to the gym, trying to figure out how to get out of my rut

I told myself I'd start my real life today but I'll leave that until next week.

I bought yesterday's binge from the same type of supermarket as I bought my London binges from, which brought back memories.

I considered setting myself goals or something like that but I feel so cucked when I do anything like that. I hate all spooks. They all feel so self limiting. But I'm spooked if I do, spooked if I don't.

Since I came back to my old town from London, I have wasted so much on binge food. I could be on financial easy street, not even bothering with NEETbux. A month of 40 hours per week on a minimum wage job would make me feel rich but I just can't bear it.

If anyone knows the secret to sitting at a desk at home and doing productive stuff, pls tell me.

He thinks "plot" is important

>>12490203
>knowing about history makes you intelligent meme

>Finnegans Wake

>>12476269

>Finnegans Wake

>woke up at 11 am
>tennis match already finished so I just waste time on the internet for a few hours
>have now gone outside on a day that's wet, cold, sunny, but warmer than past few days
>saw qt and Stacey students and feel sad because I was such an ugly loser during university (same as now, but that was during "the best time of your life")
>plan to spend rest of today by drinking coffee, binging, reading, then going to the gym for first time in 10 days

Current thoughts:

>I feel so pathetic compared to rich people and teenagers making billions in Silicon Valley.
>Should I give up coffee?
>Shall my real life start tomorrow or at the start of next week?
>How do I make myself so anything productive in my free time? How do I make myself want to do anything productive in my free time?

The problem with these Last Binges Ever is that I am binging for happiness while telling myself I will give up the happiness forever after. It's like admitting life will be shit.

Seeing Chads and Staceys enjoying their youths is like a brute force fact that as an ugly beta I was always doomed.

>woke up at 10.30 am
>waste time on mindless internet browsing while drinking coffee and eating the junk food I hadn't eaten yesterday (chocolate tastes even better when I haven't just eaten other bits of junk food)
>go for a walk and feel sad after seeing Staceys and a university age male and female sitting on a park bench
>go back home, waste many more hours on mindless internet browsing
>decide not to bother going to the gym
>it's currently 1.53 am
>hoping that tomorrow will be the day that my real life will start