/lit/ - Literature

this is a revision of something i posted about a week ago. hoping it's better than "schizophrenia/10" this time

>>7797819
I see what you're going for but your tenses are fighting each other a bit too much. Stick with the 2nd person present tense during the description, then shift into 1st person at the end.

I do like the idea of describing locations in 2nd person. Gives a very real and immersive storytelling vibe. Works for horror and noir and mystery. However if you're going to do that, make sure to drop a "you" much sooner in the paragraph. Consider: "Have you ever felt the otherworldy darkness of [nightclub name]? The way cigarette smoke weaves..." etc Having the narrator speak to the reader makes a natural transition from 2nd to 1st person.

There's a few too many prepositional phrases - "of your feelings until they swirl into the blackness of the hazy club". Overall the prose meanders a bit too much but since you're advancing the setting and character, it's passable. There's run on sentences everywhere that could easily be cut into multiple more direct statements for better effect. For example those final 2 sentences could easily be a whole paragraph if you wanted. No need to cram all that into one sentence. Let the scene breathe.

You're trying something above your abilities is what I'm getting from that passage. Reel it in a bit, ease up on the sentence structure. But in theory I like this. If you actually finish the scene and come back to this and do some editing, it should come out alright.

>>7797735
>>7797738
I made some edits.