/lit/ - Literature

>>6963436
>>6963723
>>6963795
• and he closed them in

• Rob should have fed his pigs. Damn it all to hell!

• which would by then would not look ← I know ye know

• if there was a deli → I was under the illusion that you were telling the future w/yr 'would's

• going into town or the sight

• his deluded mind → ye can do better

• by his fantasies of failing health [& cut the pneumonia part → the reader will remember]

• cut: By the end of that week he never had an internal thought.

• he watched two lovers

• who should

• cut ' "happiness" '

• Taverne? If ye say so

• it's 'Ides' ← capital

• I suggest 'tides of skiers'

• 'without so much as a glance back' should go after 'as he could'

• clear up whether the heart attack or the inheritance caused him a low about of sadness [reword]

• 'necessarily' isn't the word ye want there

• 'who slowly drank themselves back to their youths' → good idea, need a better way 2 say—maybe just cut 'slowly'

• from the last of the skiers

• a woman [she's 'the' to you but she's new to the reader]

• which assured the man

• 'What do you have against the police?' this ain't how drunk people talk → 'What you got...' or something

• had shown enough interest

• his monologues [anyone who can be said to have 'their monologues' is obv notorious for it]

• anounced over the din

• [ one of the last times I was truly happy was in Woodstock, NH : C ]

• presence transcended his body

• the man he sat with [guy is too chatty/inconsistent w/yr tone]

• torturous [if you DO mean tortuous, it's too close in the sentence to 'suffer']

• he was simply bashful ←I lol'd [as in: keep it]

• 'Here's a pculiar local, folks' ← outside yr tone. methinks ye want it attributed to Ian's thought so make that clear

• had no clue

• the small knife [ye already brought it up—'a' is only for the 1st time[& yeah that guy is seeing it 4 th' 1st time but yr telling us, the audience]]

• now I want a glass of vodka

• 1st person out of nowhere, wtf

• cut 'comically'

• The skiers slowly stood up in unison and filed out of the door. ← lol'd again

• over his face

• clearly you've never been in a fist fight...

Really great story. Eerily close to my own life [minus the pigs]. The bar scene is great. The after bar scene will benefit from re-writing &/or re-thinking. & the last scene is solid.

I was able to get lost in it.