/lit/ - Literature

>>21749707
You clearly didn't think it was too opaque when you submitted. Perhaps only when no one else commented on it other than to say they didn't understand what the fuck was going on did you find it too opaque.

I had assumed you had just got done reading a Gene Wolfe novel and were aiming for something cryptic by design. You mentioned there were more installments, so plenty of time to flesh it out, but between the interaction with the fish and the final line about the man and woman's connection, I think it's clear enough.

It's strong conceptually, and I think your instincts in not giving up the game too soon are right. There is some jumbling around in tenses:
>The mask saw once more but it cannot see again.
and I'm going to chalk that up as intentional and chronologically mischievous rather than you fucking up and not keeping them consistent. I think with the singular consciousness you could have some fun with this. The concept allows you to play around with language and structure a little bit, and the hints towards that I particularly enjoyed.

If you want to be less opaque, my main advice would be to put down the thesaurus:
>A bemused face contending against the inscrutable absurdity with all its
incongruity, magnificence and pain; the hard and paralytic countenance of the
assassin's bounty
That's just a terrible line, not every second word needs an adjective.
>the diver knew what he
looked like with the mask on because the fish watched him
Was a much more impactful line to me because of the concept you'd tied to it, rather than flowery synonym vomit.

In any case, the air of mystery and intrigue carried this one for me. Finding that balance is going to be difficult moving forward though.

A personal favorite. Take extra special care of her!!