/lit/ - Literature

>>21989946
My life is a wreck. I've hit a new low. I have no one to rely on but my parents & don't know what im going to do now or where Im going. Writing this in the parking lot of a shitty motel unsure as to what i do next or where to go. I've nowhere to go but back home . Out here my savings will dry up quick. 11k doesn't go a long way. I don't know ifi can even realistically get an apartment here alone or find a new job. Might raise some red flags.
I alienate everyone i meet with my paranoia and insecurities. I have no one to share my thoughts Drove out to the middle of nowhere to take this job in conservancy.
Idk what i was thinking. Ive spent maybe 3k to get a physical labor job that pays peanuts. Don't even like nature but 3months of being unemployed makes a man desparate.
The last 2 weeks i haven't been sleeping, eating right, & have been drinking too much. And consequently have been acting weird and aggressive. I managed to alienate everyone.
I got what was coming to me. The first week was okay.. My roommate invited me to a party
Got to know people. Then I just abruptly stopped communicating. Not even hi or "how was your day" . Idk why. They did nothing to me at first. They only started to exclude me when i started acting weird. The one roommate after a week called a house meeting to try and communicate with me, but i just sat looking glum saying barely anything besides "sounds good". She looked at me so sadly. I could tell that was my last chance and i wasted it. They kicked me out the next day then i quit. Im so tired of being the outsider, Yet i hate when im included because i feel like im secretly being made fun of. Then it becomes a vicious cycle where i don't sleep and become super distrustful of everyone and scare people, stare at me like Im a animal or monster not even human
Alone everything scares me, everything is a threat.
I hate my tepidness and wish i was cool and confident. You need friends to be like that. Without friends you can't trust anything. Anything i say may be used against me. But i also get weird when i meet new people. i get desparate and obsess over a person because i have no one and fear losing them, but then just always cut off all communication. like i waver in my mind between delusional lvl obsession and then just suddenly not caring about them at all.
My life has been going off track for a while and idk how to fix it. Ive seen strange people find connection because of their weirdness, but I've never been able. Ive been the clown before and it takes a toll when you realize no one actually likes you, they just think you are entertaining They enjoy the performance not the person.
I want to be what I know im not. To be cool, charismatic, and confident like my brother. Not to just a sideshow. I don't accept being the sideshow, the one who tags along, but it doesn't matter cause that's what i am.
I can't seem to genuinely care for other people anymore.