/lit/ - Literature

I got a job at one of the big government agencies. Won't say which one but any time conspiracy theories are discussed they get brought up eventually.
It's a weird feeling. I had a lot of options coming out of high school but it almost seems like every decision I made up to this point just kind of fell into place without much effort on my part, like a character getting railroaded into a particular questline in a video game. Having grown up online, posting memes about feds and glowniggers and shit, it's odd to think that I'm technically one of those people now.

>>15497984
>i hate this world
tell me, friend: what is the essence of your hate? did you once love it?

what have your visions, your premonitions of these new men looked like? i, too, have immortal longings in me--et in arcadia ego. you and i would almost certainly be enemies. and if i am right in terms accounting for your seeming depth, you and i would almost certainly love each other for it. so "tell me, little radish, do you love me? i love myself, too."

what mystery surrounds me? let me dispel it. sunlight is a strong antiseptic; now, i would much rather be known for the man i am, for the things i actually do, then any semblance or illusion. revelation, unconcealment, the open, etc. etc. spectemur agendo.

a sage? no. a general? not quite, though i clearly entertain some degree of megalomania. honestly, the way i describe myself to myself, in all its pompousness and elitism and private, overwrought confidence, is one of the great curators of this world. less law-giver and more educator, way bringer. ideally: archon.
i wont lie: the people who know me personally either utterly love me or utterly hate me. nothing neutral. i tend to force a choice. but those who love me? they would also die for me--and i for them. you dont have to have read machiavelli, geertz, shils, weber, carlyle, etc. to know, simply: power is being authentically, sincerely close to the center of things. it's that power i've sought to cultivate the most. if mystery is a part of it, then that makes me think that i'm getting close to my goal--which is not to be mysterious, but to reveal mystery as one of the great touchstones of human purpose, to use mystery in the service of revelation. otto's idea of the holy comes to mind here.

your insights are interesting and valuble. thanks bro.

going to sleep for now. will hopefully catch you/your responses tomorrow.

>>15215820
I used to have the same problem until I was your age. I spent most of my disposable income on prostitutes from 18 until 22. I thought the root of my depression was lack of intimacy and that paying for sex could act as a gauze for this. In actuality paying for it will only ever exacerbate your loneliness no matter how comfortable you feel with the girl in question as it's an inherently disparate relationship. What you crave fundamentally is not physical pleasure but recognition of yourself as being worthy of someone else's desire. You will never get this from a prostitute and that's why it's one of the most depersonalizing experiences you can have. It might sound even more pathetic and it wasn't intentional but the way I kicked the habit was by becoming a massive stoner. I smoked weed every day for about 8 or 9 months straight. It diminished my libido and motivation to a point where the thought of paying for sex was so nonsensical and uninteresting to me that I would have always just spent the money on an ounce instead. Marijuana has its pitfalls too and after a while I had to reconcile that it was causing me far more grief than enjoyment so I gave it up as well and realised that depending on a vice to cope with your depressing life is just pathetic, self-loathing behaviour. Getting back on ADD medication was helpful in my case as it enabled me to focus on the non degenerate activities I enjoy be it reading, music, being in nature, playing with my dog, which are far more pleasurable in the long run. I couldn't really say I'm a happy person overall but I'm a far cry from the lowest I've been and I'm able to take a more balanced view on life. I am materially comfortable and have enough disposable income to pursue the hobbies I want. I got over "tfw no gf" when I realised that it was really just an abstract desire for validation. The reality of actually being in a relationship is horrifying for me when I think about it. It would send my neurosis into freefall and probably destroy my sense of privacy and autonomy which is what I value the most. I'm probably borderline schizoid but w/e. The only alternative is suicide and even that is hardly worth the effort if you look at it objectively.

>>14431070
The thing is though I've been through all the self improvement, therapy crap multiple times. I'm living proof that 'depression is just your unhealthy lifestyle bro' is just a meme. I work a dead end job full time which requires me get up early and maintain a regular sleeping pattern, I eat healthily, I'm physically fit, I don't drink and I gave up weed months ago yet I'm no less miserable for it. In fact I'd say the worst I've ever felt was when I was deep into self improvement. Trying to follow the advice of therapists was just an endless circle. I've dropped out of university twice because I'm too unfocused and shitbrained to even get past the preliminary material. I tried lifting, it was intensely unenjoyable and I grew bored of it very quickly. Forced myself to socialise which just intensified my social anxiety and made me feel even more isolated and self loathing. I even forced myself to try online dating but once girls have worked out you're a loner you might as well have bubonic plague to them. Once you reach your mid 20s you begin to realise the futility of hoping for change. You reach the conclusion that accepting your existence for what it is, a meaningless aberration, is at least less uncomfortable than facing the unbearable stress, frustration and neurosis that results from hoping for something better. I have a few things I still get enjoyment from like reading, music and being in the wilderness, at least until anhedonia claims those as well, but I'd much rather live in depressive resignation than become a pathetic optimist striving to attain an unattainable goal before being inevitably dragged kicking and screaming into the abyss.

>>14294092
remember feeling similarly when this girl on the street spontaneously struck up conversation with me and seemed to be genuinely interested in me as a person. It really felt extraordinary as I'd never experienced a girl showing any kind of interest in me before. It turned out it was just a work up to try and shill her charity she wanted me to sign up as donor for. Afterwards I felt like my stomach had dropped straight through the ground because of how pathetically elated I'd felt because of such a meaningless interaction.