/lit/ - Literature

>>10262256
A pretty big improvement I'd say.
Congratulations, you actually have the ability to learn.

You're still making a lot of newbie mistakes. Like passive sentences that could've been active and WAY too many commas and subordinate clauses. If you read enough books you'll eventually be able to avoid those intrinsically once you know what sounds good.

Quick example would be
>"The stained teeth, unveiled by his lips, smiled at Agustus from inches way - revealing the man's vile nature.
First off, "The" is superfluous. Next, what's "acting" on Agustus is "The teeth" not "The man" which makes it inherently passive. You can play around with passive and active, it's not a hard set rule, but the sentence after it is passive too, because it starts with "Bent forward, --" If you introduced that sentence as VERY active instead with something like "His hand darted to --" Or whatever, so you could make up for the previous, but it all just blends together in grey pablum if you don't treat it properly. Not enough action makes it read like a boring lecture on your book, and not like you book is dragging me along for a ride.
Maybe something like "The man's cracked lips peeled back to reveal his stained teeth twisted into a vile smile from inches away" You can play with it, but that's way more active

>>10262372
I must say though, it's rather impressive for non-native

>>9341111

Digits confirms it.

>>9336666

Those digits though