/lit/ - Literature

Critique thread: Poetry (yes, the bane of /lit/)

-If you want a critique, return the favor
-As long as you're honest, say it.
-It's easy to be pretentious

I'll start

I want the girl at the register

With her odd smile, a cocked eyebrow

dealing with another irate customer

who feels as I do but lacks courtesy

I move closer, down the line

‘Salsa?’ some unknown across glass asked

I mutter my preference, stealing glances all the while

I recite my order in my head, to make things easy

She’ll appreciate that, I think

‘Hello, chips or a drink with that’

She asks upon the event horizon

My order disappears in those brown eyes

She cocks her eyebrow

I’ve lost.