/lit/ - Literature

I was on an edge and while I was there I could either try and turn back or dive right into it all. When I was seriously close to suicide for a second time from long childhood trauma I decided to dive into what was below me instead of killing myself. I punished myself in the same way that my abusers, molester, verbally abusive parents, etc punished me to understand it. I did and tried everything I never imagined myself capable of doing, I reflected myself in everyone, especially those I was afraid of or was disgusted by, I molested myself, I hurt myself and others. I can not think of anything that's more vile, corrupted or 'non-human' that I haven't already explored, I really tried going into every place I found and could think of, having had a concussion and losing some childhood memories in my mid teens I found them again in that place too. Events that changed me and understandably had been forgotten. I've been evaluating everything for a while now since there's nothing really left to explore and have been having incredibly vivid dreams which are more real than reality. One was a complex dream with many scenes, the one that stuck with me the most was when I was swimming with my dream guide, we were surrounded with fog and forest escaping dogs. I decided to look into the water and saw myself dead, having drowned. I don't know what comes next.