/lit/ - Literature

*inhales* Ok so im a khv but it doesnt really bother me that much like Id rather just be alone my whole life than have premarital sex anyway but it does kind of feel like a cope because I know girls think Im gross (yeah im 20 btw) and Ive come to terms with it but it still kind of stings sometimes, like most people manage to have a relationship with someone else and here I am beating off to hentai and trashposting schizo rants on /lit/ but sometimes I imagine a fantasy world where I actually had a set of testicles and I talked to that girl in my english class who was a couple inches taller than me and who took her religion so seriously that when the drama club she was in was going to do a production with a gay couple she quit, like I try to follow the Word but I easily go astray and follow my vices, and I fold like a cheap suitcase when it comes to what feels good and what's right, but I've met almost no one with that kind of conviction outside my own church and honestly (kinda cringe here) if I had a perfect life I would have married her and worked hard to make her happy (lmao sounding like a simp) and now I can't even write about something important to me without this dumb post ironic detachment because I'm ashamed of being genuine even to anonymous strangers online, and when someone asks me basic icebreaker questions it feels like someone is trying to dig something out of me with a shovel but there's not really a reason for it, maybe I was traumatized as a kid or something but I don't remember anyway, and it really doesnt help me to know one way or the other I mean Im still stuck in this half serious half detached state where I can joke or act like a retard in front of a crowd but cant act normally in conversation to save my life I mean both my brother and my cousin have autism so maybe I have it a little too? Its possible but self diagnosing is useless too. Ive recently had multiple dreams about someone disfiguring my body and replacing limbs with artificial reconstructions, I never feel afraid or anything in these dreams but its weird to dream of it so often. And now Im caught between my desire for the truth, to see if maybe le orthodogs were really right about Christ and the Trinity, and I want to know, I want to dive into it, but also I stopped going to church a year ago because I felt just total shame and guilt when I went like I was just wasting everyones time, and I'm scared of disappointing my family when I leave the church we've been in for generations, I don't want to do that to my parents because I would hate to hurt them in any way, but maybe they would accept it anyway but I tremble at the idea of taking a single step in that direction, so I read and post online and do basically nothing else, but sometimes in the shower or in bed after my regular one-in-three-months crying session I make disjointed prayers asking for mercy, repeating mark 9:24 over and over, thinking about how Im almost definitely going to Hell for all I did, and