/lit/ - Literature

>>21049001
The intro is just sad. Why would you think anyone would care about YOU? It's irrelevant to the rest of the text. Cut it.
And your chapters aren't even chapters, they're just a couple paragraphs. You are allowed to shift focus without calling it a new chapter every time, you know.
>My ears are ringing like a flash bang
A flashbang doesn't ring. Your ears do after getting hit by one, but the grenade itself doesn't, so you should say "My ears are ringing like after a flashbang", but even that sounds awkward because who says that?
>"What did it say?.. Something about
This is wrong. You don't put ellipsis after a question mark. If you want to show him trailing off you do it like this...?
>"Was that God.. or an advertisement?"
Only two periods is incorrect for an ellipsis.
With just these handy adjustments, you work will clearly improve.