/lit/ - Literature

A day in the life edition
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I really contemplate suicide sometimes. I feel the only thing keeping me from actually carrying it out, is the fantasy that things may soon be better. But this is what I have been telling myself for years, and at the possibility of making my life better, I will either do nothing or make the worst possible choice. It is as if I unconsciously want to die, and even if I sometime hold hopes in my inner monologue, I only act in a way that will hurt me somehow, that will make my life worse.

Overall, I have nothing. I see people having normal lives, and it's as if that door is closed for me, if it was ever open. This leads to resentment, which leads to further isolation.

At the moment, I believe will significantly improve if I get a job, but I have been applying for months, have only got a few interviews, and no one has hired me. The neet years, and having no work experience, really put an end to all chance of ever getting a job.

The obsolescence of literature weighs on my mind every time I read. It's not just that most people don't read anymore, it's that actively choosing to read is a burden. Most knowledge that can be found in classic novels, poetry and philosophy is not necessary in industrial society and can't be applied in life. Every minute I spend with the words of artists and great thinkers that lived before me is better spent studying for an exam or working. These books were once the foundations of the world we live in but now they have to be relegated to a niche hobby that is time-consuming and impractical. I wonder if I should just forsake the voices of Tolstoy and Pascal and learn to code instead.

I started to give Fukuyama reconsideration after 2020. That year saw the largest protests in American history. 20 million people protested for BLM and 2 years later, it's forgotten. Nothing came out of it. The slogans were plastered on corporate billboards and the supposedly radical protestors were marching alongside Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. It was fucking unbelievable to witness. Imagine such a significant moment in history being so worthless --- imagine an uprising being turned into a circus performance with the same people you're supposedly rising against.

I learned that there is truly no revolution. No one wants another 20th century. No one actually wants war, genocide, ethnic cleansing, violence, mass migration and chaos, all the things that are required for overthrowing a regime and establishing a new government. They just want to be able to fantasize about those things and move on with their lives. It seems increasingly clear that modern liberalism is designed to provide those simulations without actually changing its structure. In that way, the BLM riots were a success. But I can't shake off this feeling of being trapped. Nothing ever changes and no alternative to our global society has been invented. I just have to watch everyone become liquidated into the same cosmopolitan lifestyle of narcissism, consumption and anxiety. It's horrifying, but Fukuyama did actually admit that in his book. Liberalism is a prison.