/lit/ - Literature

>>15882969
Interesting prose anon. It's fucking weird, I'll give you that, but I can see people getting into it.
>>15883356
Obviously this is preference, but I love this. I'm into pretty prose, and you managed to not make it purple too. Keep it up.

https://pastebin.com/f2pxA4LK

>>15765835
Oh now I see it. I had no idea that was there, thanks for the crit. Reading your thing now.

The grimace and grimace back is a little on the nose. I think it's good that you're trying to set the fact that they are not happy with each other early is good, but I think a different way of saying it is going to nail it right on the head if you just make it a little less direct. Air of the room maybe? I still like it though.
>returned later, not settling for anything less than the best
that second part is implied, so you can cut it off if you so desire. Some people may say you are stating the same thing twice.
>Fortunately the small, basement shop was given a sense of being larger than it appeared by several mirrors hanging on the walls
again it's super direct. Is it fortunate to this guy that the place seems bigger, or would it be fortunate to actually be bigger, better? The vibe I got from that part in the previous version was that the guy acknowledged the trick, and it did not trick him, he coyly saw the basement for what it was.
Nice rearranging of who is what and who feels how in the beginning, it makes the rest of it play out much smoother. I think the only step further this part can take is editing that probably would be done post-finishing the project sort of editing, if you are the kind to draft entirely before getting into the real persnickety stuff.