/lit/ - Literature

I feel quite desperate and lost at the moment; I feel that I am simply drifting from hour to hour, day to day and week to week. Food turns to ash in my mouth and I struggle to eat anything proper. Every morning my internal clock wakes me up before my alarm does; though that might just be because the winter is beginning to end, I still feel so unnaturally restless. Every morning I just lay in my bed for at least an hour before I finally manage to pull myself up. And every night my head is once again full of thoughts before I am finally able to drift to sleep.

It's been like this for like three weeks now, and it's because I'm hopelessly in love. I made a promise to myself not to fall in love, for it would only lead to sorrow. But keeping that kind of promise proved quite hard around this girl.

I met her through our common friend circle. Smart, cute – no – BEAUTIFUL as hell... and so easy to talk to. Even when we first properly met we talked together for over an hour or so, just the two of us. And that would later become a habit; we often even skipped classes just to talk about things. Through our talking I learned that she was engaged, and I first took that as a relief, since now I knew that there would be no point in even trying to court her.

One time I was at our place of study, sitting by myself in this room or studio, what ever you want to call it. I saw her sit outside the studio, besides the interior window. And God-fucking-damnit did she give me the most beautiful, coy smile when we locked eyes. I felt like my heart was about to melt, but I managed to warmly smile back. Soon after that she came to the studio to greet me and we started conversing once again.

I can't remember quite clearly as to why, but in our conversation she brought up how awful it would be to have your husband/wife die prematurely. She then said she would contact ME if that happened to her; I was the "only one she could tolerate for the rest of her life". This took me by shock, but I managed to jokingly ask her if she means I would be her lover then, to which she said yes. We then discussed what kind of animals we would by (she wants a calm, countryside life) together etc.

After that we skipped the rest of our classes for the day, went shopping together and then we visited both of our places (we first went to my apartment and then she insisted I would have to visit her place as well, so I did). She had a nice, big and old house in the countryside all to herself. After spending some time at her place she drove me back to my place and that was that.

After that evening I knew that I would have to break my promise, or rather, I would break it whether I wanted or not.