/lit/ - Literature

I've been eating myself alive due to this girl I have an incredibly unhealthy obsession with visibly losing interest in me after seemingly developing feelings for me. I've punched myself in the face, banged my head against walls over and over, screamed at myself out loud and internally, etc. I asked her to go to a concert with me just so she could outright reject me and I could stop abusing myself, and she just agreed enthusiastically. And now that same fire is kindled in me again, in which I'll invariably abuse and destroy myself the second she shows waning interest again.

I think that's really what I want from her, an excuse to abuse and destroy myself. I've done this with my past 3 girlfriends, falling delusionally and unhealthily in love with them and enjoying the torment of not knowing, of being able to tell myself that they don't like me. And when they confessed, I lost most of my feelings for them. None of the relationships lasted more than a year, dragging on as I shamed them about their pasts and gave myself reasons to justify why I don't feel anything for them anymore. I like to tell myself that this girl is different, this time it'll be different. This time I'll love her, this time I'll take care of her. Deep down I think I know it's bullshit. Deep down I can see myself destroying another girl emotionally so that I can destroy myself in her name.

I maintain a facade of moral integrity and virtue, when really I'm nothing more than the embodiment of Lust.

>>11944795
Perhaps I’m horribly deluded, but because of this, Judas makes me want to cry