/lit/ - Literature

>>7244722
I understand the concept, but it's execution falls rather flat. The writing isn't bad, just uninteresting. Nothing is really happening, the language has no truly positive qualities of description or evocation, and the structure seems clunky at times. It is, however, not irredeemable; it's not bad, it's not illiterate, and it has plenty of room to improve. Try to humanize both characters a bit more, try to depict time in a more natural manner, as well as depicting the world more naturally; as it is, those things seem forced in order to fit the story within a fluid context.

Mine is pic related, sorry if tense isn't very consistent; I was editing it a while ago, and I'm not too sure if I made the verbs match up again.