/lit/ - Literature

>>21012217
I like this. There are a few points where the prosody could be improved in translation (ie. mystery instead of discovery,) but overall this is really nice.

>>21012442
Why do you use the enjambment symbol and then enjamb? I don't get it. It's also like a Bukowski poem but without any of the ease and all of the bitterness, or his style of enjambment.

>>21015920
You need more sentence variation. They are also extremely long without affect. You also start a sentence with "Indeed," which sounds like filler -- forget the word for it, but it handicaps your sentence.

>In blessing a species as limited and numerous as man with fire, he ensured life would end with his damned creation - man would never enjoy victory in the way the gods did due to his frail nature, and slowly the fire would consume him before he could create his replacement.

This is way, way way way too long, and way too convoluted. You're trying to sound smart. Please don't use so many commas, either.