/lit/ - Literature

One time a philosophy professor pulled me aside after class and told me "I had the stuff" and that I should consider a career in philosophy. It meant a lot for me to hear that, but it was a bad time for me as well. I was already a senior in a Film/TV program and I was also in the middle of a depressive episode I wouldn't leave for two years.

Since then, I was kept for a week in a psych ward against my will for suicidal ideations, didn't finish the philosophy course, barely graduated with a film degree, looked for work for 6 months, worked as an editor in San Francisco and Michigan for 6 months (the company closed their SF office, but still wanted me around), and gotten laid off after a third downsizing.

I'm now considering a return to education, I think I have the mental wherewithal to "do things right" this time. Although I'm concerned my uneven academic record will keep me from being accepted to higher-tier philosophy programs. I don't know which programs would make sense for me or if I'd be doing things for the right reasons.

I used to write stories and essays with passion, but I find myself unsure of my thoughts now. I feel like moments don't stick together and build on each other. Like it's all so much sand brushing past itself on its way to casually collect at the bottom of an hourglass.
I somehow feel that structured learning will give me growth, stimulation, and perspective. Drill the habit of study and writing back into me.

>>12569707
This genre of 'write what's on your mind' posts, which I'm sure I'm contributing to right now, leaves me stuck. I know from experience that no response will feel satisfactory yet 'no response' will feel even worse (if the relief of avoiding shame isn't stronger that is). Self-help advice or encouragement don't resonate.
Some people like >iktf but the people who respond to it the most is the people who seek validation in giving up. The 'blackpill' style of shared nihilism genuinely scares me. I don't think that's the case here, but I'm afraid that the part of me that might crave might be manifesting in my words.

I hope that it passes for you though. Selfishly, because I don't feel totally hopeless now. I need to know that if things ever get as bad as they have been in the past for me, that it can pass too.

I have to write by hand because its the only way I can commit to my thoughts. I hate myself and my writing so much that the backspace key holds sway over me in a way I can't manage

>>10706721
yes