/lit/ - Literature

>>15772075
>I don't know how somebody could possibly read this and imagine it's attempting to be realistic or not a big fucking joke to begin with.
well they might read it in a crit thread for starters, but reading your work for the first time now:

>>15770483
cut the second "identical," cut "as it should be" imo

>my mate
>my mate
>my mate
I'm only on the first page and I can tell you this is only slapstick in the sense of the annoying orange, and I don't mean your character; I mean the writing. I understand why you don't want realistic names but this I don't like.

>capitalized speaker tags after exclamation/question marks
If that's your thing, ok.

The imagery is pretty clear, if only because you don't screw with anything. I'm seeing stock imagery though, i.e. characters and places I already recognize. "The man with the cane" is less annoying to read than "my mate" and actually plays into familiar pimp tropes (both in length and anonymity).

>Drake
Why would your narrator-character name his buddy to a pimp, but not to me? You realize this speaker and your narrator are the same guy, right? Is "he" just writing this way to be funny?

I'm not sure the violent ending was ideal. The fact that the narrator seems to be making deliberate attempts at humor causes it to feel dishonest, while ironically it's also just you explaining the joke. There's probably a funny way to open the door and have him still be alive, or very strongly hint that the narrator is lying about him having died for whatever reason. But I did like it.