/lit/ - Literature

>>17887071
>>17890295
It seems to me that your choice of words are sometimes a poor fit for the situation.
"He went down to the local park where one of the bombs in the wars past made a crater."
This puts me in mind of my own local park, a location I cannot reconcile with vicious beheadings. Also, the gravity of the wars past is not really conveyed that well.
"He went down to the ruined park, now home to a large crater - a testament to the brutality and random destruction of wars long past."
>>17890990
lol, pretty much this. It's harsh but sometimes brutal honesty is the best. It still reads like a copycat of goblin slayer. If that's what you're going for, sort of trashy light novel core, I guess you succeeded. Just use the lessons learned to adapt yourself for future works, should you have higher aspirations.
By the way I'm the one who rewrote the original draft. I'd be curious to know what you think of my version, if you would be so kind as to create another beautifully constructed piece of criticism.

>>17879901
>>17879780
"paper thin accuracy" is almost as bad as "oily smarts"
"a wafer's thickness"
what the fuck dude

I have taken it upon myself to rewrite your prose instead of critiquing it, as I have already done the latter many times today. Pay close attention to the changes, each one of them is deliberate. I wasn't sure if it was a girl or a woman so I went with woman.