/lit/ - Literature

>tfw I have social experience and am actually pretty good at small talk, but I still fold like a cheap suit the moment people ask about me and how ive been doing and stuff because ive been a NEET for the better part of a decade now

>>20578426
>>when you're useless and ugly and also mentally deteriorating to the point where you're barely the same person you were in the past
literally me

its really starting to sink in how mentally ill I've become in my isolation. a decade+ ago i was regularly hanging with the boys and going to parties and having the time of my life, now im literally afraid just to go and have a few beers at my main bros house with virtually no social pressure or anything like that, im so dysfuctional and dissociative i feel like i dont even trust myself with even that level of human interaction and im afraid to live. what the hell happened? now that its warm enough to survive out, im going to try to spend as much time as i can this summer going around outside, even just to find places to sit and read, or getting drunk and hiking the cities park system. just, something to get me out of this room and into the world regularly and connect me with real life

I lived a life of sin, and now I will be paying for it for the rest of my existence

my wisdom tooth just broke again. the whole top half is almost completely gone now , and the way its broken now has left it feeling extremely fragile, like its going to completely shatter if i chew the wrong way

>>19587534
Oh fuck NOOOOOOOOO the heat tape fried somehow and almost lit the place on fire which means the entire thing has to be redone which means hours and hours and hours down there AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAfogiwrjpgfijraiogjgjitoi;ohtwoipjgo

LITERALLY every single day of my life, I wake up and the first thing i do is turn on the computer and come to this shithole and immediately get sucked in and spend most of the day here.

I wonder how different things would be if I didn't do that, just didn't turn on the PC and didn't come here first thing in the morning every day

Ive been a NEET for essentially my entire adult life, at least I never worked enough to make more than one or a couple thousand a year, which was virtually entirely spent on alcohol and cigarettes and other vices. before being an adult I played videogames then started partying and doing drugs when i hit high school, and thats about all i did for 18 years, and almost all ive done for the 10 years since then

I dont even know where to begin to start turning my life around after 27 straight years of nothing but reinforcing bad habits and nothing else. the simple act of waking up when my alarm clock rings and actually staying awake instead of just falling asleep is a skill i lost around 17 and have had virtually no success with since them. getting myself to go to bed and actually falling asleep and not just sitting there for 7 hours is impossible without alcohol or sleeping pills. my mind is completely fried and my physical body is just so fucked up, my hands and wrists are fucked up with bad carpal tunnel.

it really does feel like suicide is all there is for me. what a complete waste of a life, fuck.

>>18844857
the last 10 years just vanished without a trace

I thought for a moment that becoming a complete lonely degen like fyador must be one of my greatest fears, but I have no property live off of and am completely useless so I think my greatest fear is that in all likelihood ill probably end up more resembling like the mentally ill homeless woman, or at least the worst of both kek

thats how i got in this mess in the first place

Its taking all my self control not to bust in to my leftover vodka and gorge on an oven pizza afterwards. I thought i would be able to resist and go to bed at a reasonable time and get up early but i dont know now

I used to be somewhere between 1 and 0 but im a full on 3 now

im not doing so hot. spent the last 8 years since i was in school mostly NEETing and growing increasingly isolated, partially due to health issues and anxiety that i think was exacerbated from drug use as a teen, anyway now with covid and my health being poor enough that im afraid to go out and do things my isolation has become complete and i am absolutely falling apart mentally and physically. and now, just in time, im having old best friends who mean the world to me reach out and message me on facebook and i desperately want to have a normal life with them again but i have not replied to any of them because Im afraid that too much time has passed and ive changed too much to fit in, also being isolated while my mind rots has made it difficult to address my health problems and im just in terrible shape now compared to even a couple years ago when i kind of half got my shit together but ended up failing because i was still very alone and fell back into old habits

>>14878293
bros...