/lit/ - Literature

>>22958173
I don't like your narrator's voice.
>probably a lot colder
>they'd probably
>of guessed
>something similar
Unless the narrator is a character recounting the story, they should know everything. Withholding information is fine but seeming unsure is a weird choice, especially when they're unsure of so much in such a short excerpt. Outside of the narration,
>they'd probably of guessed something similar
Should be
>they'd probably have guessed something similar
(Just because I'm correcting the wording doesn't mean I don't believe you should rewrite it)

And the first piece of dialogue
>"I wouldn't fuck your wife if we died but I would use it as a play to get with her sister."
Doesn't make sense. Surely,
>"I wouldn't fuck your wife if you died but I would use it as a play to get with her sister."
The smaller character speaks as if they were to both perish on the mountain, which doesn't fit what he's saying. The larger character's dialogue makes sense, but because it does, emphasises the mistake in the smaller character's words.