I started today and it's more of a rant.
This day, November 22, 2022. around 8 pm I downloaded and played an old game I used to play as a child. Crazy taxi 3 is called. I haven't played it in years, maybe a whole decade has passed. I remembered old maps, roads, challenges... I also remembered myself in that period. I was in elementary school probably around grade 3-4 and played this game. What a time it was. Now I look back at that period with nostalgia. A period in which I was young and full of hope for the future. But I know that in that period I was not the happiest, I remember even then that I felt that I did not fit in mainly because I knew that I was not the most talkative person and I did not know how to work with myself. I would often be anxious/nervous about what I would do if I got into a situation where I had to talk to other people or have to show myself or my knowledge. I had stage fright. I remember one time I was called on the blackboard for some math task that I didn't know how to solve, so I cried, It wasn't heard but you could see that I was crying. There were more of these moments both before and after this one. I often thought on recesses (when I was alone) how lonely I am, how I can't talk to others, how I don't fit in basically. I really wanted to belong. I don't remember now what happened to make me like that, but I know that's how I felt. This period of my total insecurity lasted from about 2/3 (when I was 8/9 years old) grade until the end of 7th grade (then I was 13), it wasn't until 8th that I felt better. I feel much more hurt by things from this period (although I don't even remember most of them) than from high school. Why? Probably the change of environment had an effect, and maybe my upbringing in some way. In high school around 2nd grade I also felt incapable of all the above mentioned things but now I blamed myself for it. I probably became depressed. It seems a bit stupid to diagnose myself, but there you go. In 3rd grade I went to summer school, I felt like an absolute incompetent retard. I thought a lot then that if I had to repeat the year, I would kill myself. I was thinking of jumping off the bridge, but not into the river but onto the concrete part directly on my head and how to position myself to safely land on my head. I didn't fail summer school. That period was strange. On the one hand, I was totally uninterested, all those things that were a problem for me in elementary school weren't anymore and I stopped being interested in things that I usually would be.Maybe I suppressed emotions because I was still ready to commit suicide. And I still am, but now I don't feel so bad, but I know that if my situation doesn't change, I will definitely kill myself by the age of 30, if not earlier.