/lit/ - Literature

>>22747223
I'm sure God knows your dilemma. If you're that conflicted about it, maybe ask your nearest priest for guidance. There's no issue that cannot be solved without a little bit of self-reflection & some good old praying.

I begun to read at 24. The words deflect off of my mind like a raincoat and the image composed by writers is only flickering and transient. I don't feel connected to the words, it quickly becomes a dull amorphous experience. My sober imagination seems inanimate. Is this something that is practiced? I can't stand music, televison, or any other medium anymore. Books are my last chance.

>don't like current situation
>review the elements of the current situation
>research and inspect these elements in the hope of understanding the connection between them and finding out what the common problem between them may be
>uncover elucidating truths about these elements
>pursue the inspection and research further
>uncover enough relevant truth that my relationship to these elements is no longer the same due to the entirely rebuilt context around them
>know just enough about any one particular element to undermine the questions that lead me to that knowledge to begin with
>hope that piecing together other elements will give me enough understanding to finally feel genuinely sure about a situation, even if that feeling I genuinely and surely have is a negative one at least it's concrete
>in practice though the process keeps repeating and compounding
>my trains of thought just keep undermining and derailing themselves, it feels like an aggressive form of self-defense from the more insecure and paranoid parts of myself but trying to reflect on it draws out awful emotional and physiological reactions
>just sitting down to read a book or watch something educational starts to make me sweat and breathe heavily
>attempting to review my flash cards gives me intestinal cramps and strong senses of toil and loathing
>only ever actually feel alive when trying to use my head to learn and solve problems but any level of conscious awareness of that process in the moment as I'm doing it makes me want to shut down and curl up in a ball like a drowning man wants air

man, I've been feeling tired lately