/lit/ - Literature

I feel you and understand you OP.
so let me conceptualize your decent into nihilism.

1. you don't apphrened something like nihilism unless you have been to school or read up on the subject.
2. what usually leads you to nihilism is what you read or learn in school.

so epistemologically you have gained "knowledge" from an intermediary source.
you yourself have come to the conclusion of nihilism when you smell the flowers, or look up at the night sky.
you learn about nihilism becuase you read a bunch of cynics that are doubtful about everything, or are looking to tear something down just to get attention for their amazing mental gymnastics.

developmentally you start out looking to authority for the answers.
so you seek out as much authority as possible to learn from them.
as many religions state
you must seek out a guru.
so in you studies you learn that much of the authorities disagree with each other, and that philosophical posotions seem to be boiled down to personal interest.
then you find that the best authroties are the cynics that begunrdingly talk about their areas of expertise, becuase they have been in it long enough to see problems in the field.

this leads you to believe that all authority is wrong and subjective.
and up until now you have always appealed to authority.
so now you become lost, confused,hopeless.
but this is merely a turning point, the closing of one chapter for another.
now the next chapter you either
1. engage with surrealist, subversive, absurdist thought to cope with the fact that you don't understand and can't make snese of things; but have come to accept it.
2. start you path on your will to power and become an authority yourself-just as cynical doubtful, but cocksure on your own personal choices.

nihilism is a symptoms for "children" who have defined themselves by other things. they gain their identity from materialistic bullshit. so they need to find something new to identify with that lies within themselves.

nihilism is by nature transitory.
to its own self refutation , to what the philosophy even means "nothing is absolute".
nihilism is like the gaps between paragidms.

that point of smoldering ruins that preceeds the rebuilding.

so as a suggestion I say look into
surrealist/absurdit literature
books on anti social personality

nihilism is merely just a philosophical trap to keep your psyche locked in a permanent quantum state.

as you grow older, wiser, and gain phenomenal expierence, I have faith you will grow out of your fascination with nihilism.