/lit/ - Literature

Everytime I think I hit rock bottom, I find out there is even more further below it. I feel like such a waste of a person, I've lost the will to live. No one cares about me as a person, only as a thing: a provider, an object to convert, a punching bag, a wageslave. I don't think I've ever truly felt loved or accepted as a person, and not just a slot to be filled. My parents say I need to devote my self to a cause bigger than myself, mainly their religion but I doubt that they are able to do that themselves and are just repeating a trite soundbite they've heard. They say that but then go and convince themselves that the entire universe and everything in it is basically like them, they look up into the night sky and see themselves reflected back. The cause greater than themselves is utterly concerned with them and their church friends in particular, the only reason God hasn't ended the world is for them and their 500 friends to be saved. It's utter narcissism, but they get to walk around smug and pitying everyone they meet.

I'm only 23 now but I feel ancient. Young love is out of my reach now, my body is disintegrating, everyone I know is passing me up and I just don't care. I'm not going to be able to achieve any of my goals, everything left is a consolation prize. And not even good ones at that.

I basically think about killing myself every day. I have a plan, all I need to do is execute it. I want to buy a gun just to have so I know that I can leave anytime I want. That probably won't be soon, but it isn't far away either. I hate my body and my face. Everything about it, I'm hyperconscious of it's every feature. I hate being who I am, and the role I was born into.

I wish I could free and soft, graceful and lithe. Beautiful. I wish I could love my body and want to take care of it. I wish I could love and loved in return, that people would miss me when I was away and look forward to seeing me. I wish I could matter