/lit/ - Literature

>>21485603
I've awoken to a life I never anticipated having, but just gradually grew into through impassivity and lack of direction.
It pains me deeply to realize I've become the weirdo shut-in. To perceive how others view me. Gradually becoming at family gatherings an invisible presence (never stated, but I get the sense they're thinking "what exactly is that one's problem?"). Something like that. . It's a bit too late for me to develop social skills. I can't force myself beyond the surface layer of engagement with people. My social contacts today are 00.0, but in the past even when there was a semi-positive, though distant, relationship, I never could open up. I remember my roommate & my other roommates girlfriend talking about their families, and when they asked me about my own, my tongue was tied. I have plenty to say about my family members, only I couldn't bring myself to say anything.. Maybe I have nothing to say because there is nothing to me. I'm just an empty receptacle. Fill my face in and blow it Open. already Just watch it spill all over, out, and out farther into nothing. Nothing more, and nothing less. Still equals nothing.
Never been in a relationship, never had a friend group. So many nevers.. To have never been.
My roommate was a mirror image of myself. Painfully awkward and self-conscious. We were too similar to ever click well..
In high school all my memories are a series of brief awkward encounters always on the edge of any social group. Always was the kid no one really knew, no one would partner with, and so the teacher had to pair me off onto someone. So many humiliating moments. Nothing I despise more than that familiar look of pity in their eyes. I've seen it a thousand times, and it fills me with resentment every time I recall it.
Intellectually I'm a midwit. I go through phases of becoming interested in different things, but lack the discipline to learn any subject in depth. Just different passing manias: one month it's geopolitics, the next language learning, and then the next getting into whatever retarded obscure thing I saw next on here.
I'm extremely scared about securing a tangible future for myself.
I've no employable skills. Over the years I've wasted my time reading and learning many different arcane subjects, but none of which can secure me a good job, and I lack the social acumen to ever get these jobs I simply can't care about presenting myself well, which is exactly what I need to do. Wasted the past 4 years getting a degree in lit & floating through shit odd jobs.
I want to be an adult, but I also really don't want to be an adult...
I need a long term plan, but I can't decide what I want. . I'm terrified of becoming a washed up has been no kids, no family just stuck rotating through shitty mediocre grunt-level odd jobs at the age of 40. At that point I'd just kill myself since there'd be nothing more to live for.