/lit/ - Literature

Got out of a bad relationship recently. Tried to make it work for months, but we still could not get along. She never would have been the one to end it -- no matter what I did she never would have let me go. I tried to make her happy. And yes, sometimes I did things that I thought were OK but that she did not find OK. And I apologized and tried to make up for it without completely effacing my ego in the process.

But when she was upset, nothing else seemed to matter to her. None of the nice things I did counted for anything in those moments. And I couldn't stand it anymore. And on those rare occasions that I brought up something she did that I did not find OK, she defended herself instead of hearing me out. "It's not the same." Nothing she did would have bothered me in a different context -- but when she was always starting month-long arguments over these things, I had to point out that she was not perfect. And all I got were tears.

I try not to blame our problems on her mental illness, but it's hard not to.

Now that I'm single, I'm being hit on by a younger girl I met briefly a couple years ago. But it feels like she just wants to have sex with me and that's all. Which makes me sad in a weird way. I'm not sure how to describe it. Like, I "value" myself more than that?

And then, all of these emotions have stirred up something. I'm suddenly pining for a girl I went on one date with seven years ago. We hung out at her place for ten hours and then when I asked if she'd like to meet up again she turned me down. She was in one of my classes that following semester, so I still saw her around and chatted with her.

She was the only girl I'd had a crush on who ever had the guts and tact to just tell me straight up that I was cool but that she wasn't into me. It made me develop a serious respect for her that's lasted seven years. I don't even really know her, but every so often I've thought about her and just really, really hoped that her life was going well.

Once, about three years after I'd gone on that date with her, I became friends with someone who knew people in the cool girl's social circle, and this person told me that the cool girl had had an experience that caused her to completely change her worldview and rise up out of the really dark shit she was going through back in college and I shed tears of joy at hearing that.

I don't legitimately think anything will ever happen between me and the cool girl. But thinking about her has given me the courage to try and change my life for the better. I've made myself a promise: If I write the book I've been telling everyone I want to write, then I will send a message to the cool girl and ask her if I can commission a painting from her. This all probably sounds dumb. But it's all very meaningful for me.