/lit/ - Literature

>>7519011

Settle down the Dylan/Klebold.

>>7519041

This reads like one of those poems you'd find when you show up at your poetry writing friend's house where they have those words on the refrigerator, but half the words are being used and you don't want to disturb their poem, so you resign to just make the best of it.


>>7519135

I really like brushing aside a tarp. I don't know why. You were doing great until you started the rapid-fire in-world terminology and names. We don't know who is fixing things, we don't know where street level is, we don't know about the gang, we don't know mid-town etc. Is this information DIRECTLY relevant at this time? The grammar is spot on mostly, the prose could (always) be improved, but they're not bad at all.

Tin Man reads like a proper noun. Capitalize.

"Inside it was dark" is a lame sentence. I didn't like the sentence after that. Dimly lit is better than dark imo.

You break dialogue paragraphs in strange spots. It's difficult to tell who is talking. You need to fix this. >He paused. "Sometimes . . . " I'm not sure why that's a new paragraph.

>Bass thudded dull beyond the walls, omnidirectional, lightly vibrating her skin.

Purple.

Dialogue punctutation on "KK told me . . ." needs to be a {comma} and I don't care for the word "offered" because you don't offer words.

This has a lot of potential. I think the most important thing is which details need focus and elaboration and which are trivial. The rest was mostly syntax and clause ordering -- much of which is subjective. Keep going.

>>7519251

this is a style I rarely see with amateurs. I'm not sure if it's just the formatting or if you actually don't understand what a paragraph is. From an editor's perspective, there are things I'd cut, but there is nothing so drastically wrong with this that I wouldn't continue reading (save for the fact I don't like it). My biggest gripe is the strange shifts between flash-back narrative and current exposition. I think this should be about 35% shorter and remove a decent bit of the flashbacky stuff.Characterization at some point cannot come from telling me the past.

>>7520390

What anon said.

>>7520427

has anyone ever described the sun to you as "standing"? I'm impressed that you know your colors, anon. You missed pink in that first sentence. I don't know what the rest of this was supposed to signify or teach me.

>>7520641

Grammar wise, the first sentence has too much stuffed in. I don't know what most of it is either--same goes for the next and the next sentence. The entire first paragraph is gibberish to me.

Why are you starting a paragraph with "and suddenly". You use a lot of pointless modifiers like "neatly" "bizarrely" which tell me very little. You start two sentences with AND in a row, the latter being a poorly edited run-on.

This needs editing and your dialogue attribution (uses the wrong punctuation) is a train-wreck run-on