/lit/ - Literature

>>10089268
Page 3 of 4 for this.

>>10082981
Personal opinion here but I think perhaps your starting sentence could be a little stronger. Seems kinda brief, dull, but hey -- it's informative I'll give you that.

Start is a little preachy. The best kind of evangelization is speaking of the beauty of your method first before anything else, especially finger-wagging.

Caps on " Very Powerful" was not necessary. I actually checked later down that this was kind of a program or something being sold. Didn't seem hinted enough at first though, I thought, looked more like a Caps error.

Caps on "See" not necessary.

Cap on "Slag" not necessary. "i'm" does though, no worry, probably a little mistake for that one.

Does "The Man On the Stage" need a TM? If not, calm it with those Caps, friend. If it's a tittle don't caps the "The" at the begginning nor the "On" of the middle, leave it to the nouns for this one.

Saw this in a novel once, but when naming pop culture tittle refences (like Cock Tail), you use italics. Could be wrong on this one though.

Caps on "Cunt" unecessary (unless of course you were trying some humor here about the female gender, in which I say fair play of words, sir.)

"fuck em" and "chuck em" should have speech marks between the word and the "em", but I could be wrong in this. Also missing a comma or full stop between "chuck em'" and "only," otherwise a run-on here.

Caps on "He" not necessary.

Comma between "he says" and "that" please. Or perhaps a full stop on the "easy."

There are key sentences and words here that I can only assume are exclusive to "The Very Powerful System" as a means to emphasize them, I'm sorry for the autism if I startled you.

Then I saw the next act...

So - are the words like triggers for this (spoilers) Assassin guy? (spoilers). If so, that is pretty darn creative.

Love it, good work anon. Real talent here I think. For the most part a lot of the words and prose mix and taste like good cocktail - surprising, fluid, goes easy on the throat. Some of the description of the first paragraph in Act 2 could use some thightening; shortening, but overall pretty good stuff.


My anon left me.