/lit/ - Literature

In my first week at uni, my two flatmates who are girls informed me in a joking manner during a lengthy conversation that they guessed I had never talked to girls properly before. I laughed and joked at how that sentiment was probably semi-true. Now looking back and I cringe and think about how pathetic and sad it was that was and is my reality.

Increasingly I am being drawn to the belief that relationships are futile and are a means to setting oneself up for disappointment and betrayal. I am being drawn to this idea not out of my own volition, but through a world that seems to me to be moving at the speed of light, while I sit dazed and completely helpless, utterly unaware of my own coming demise.

Thinking about suicide a lot. Not that I’d do it. Just the thought of it. Death and all that. I’ve thought that if I were to do it, I would either choose the most peaceful death imaginable or a death that maximizes brutality as much as possible. A peaceful death would be like sitting in a car and feeding fumes into the car from the exhaust pipe while a listen to music. Or dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. A extreme, brutal death would be like live streaming my self-immolation or some sort of murder-suicide.

Obsessed with my the pathology of depression and loneliness. Understanding it is much harder to get better than it is to sink lower. With this in my mind, it is increasingly compelling to me the thought that I and others ought to make things worse and see where it takes us, what interesting things will happen. I may lament all the bad things that happen and on a surface level wish things were better - but the truth is I hope they get worse and I hope they get worse faster. I’ve tried nothing, everything works. It’s not enough that I should feel this way - I want others to feel pain and suffering also. If I go down, I want everyone I irrationally hate to do down with me.

Posting this means nothing. No catharsis, no consequences, no change. Days chug on by, and I continue spiritually rotting in purgatory, slowly furthering from myself from Heaven, but knowing deep down I am too much of a pussy to reach Hell.