/lit/ - Literature

>>22265843
Play around with word order and sentence structure. Decide whether you really need exactly one adjective per noun. Reconsider your words, both whether you need them and whether you picked the right ones. Use a conjunction every now and then. The different sentences should feel different with peaks and valleys and rapids so you don't lull the reader into sleep.
Your word choice adds some ambiguity that you might not want. What does the wind do with his remains? Does it clean them? Does it scatter them? Be precise. A thesaurus can be great for this.
How does his spirit perish? If it slowly fades away then "gravely" and "ardent" don't really feel right. If it holds out until the last and then shatters then your sentence needs a little bit of force to it, you want the reader to feel the moment when that happens.
He's ungrateful, but for what? The word kind of floats around without enough context to resolve it to a meaning.
Variety is the main thing. Your sentences shouldn't all come from the same mold. Make them sing, as this picture puts it. (Sentence length is not your problem but it's related.)

>>22265929
Figure out how to write nice sentences now and get into that habit during your rewrite. Or just play around while rewriting, try a bunch of different things and beat them into the same shape later.
You don't need to be a perfectionist about it since you'll get to edit later, but delaying this seems like it'll create more work in the long run.