/lit/ - Literature

>>21820659
I'm starting a job soon at a park--a temporary seasonal job doing conservation work--and feel totally unprepared and scared. I'm worried mostly about the social aspect.
The days are slowly ticking by getting closer to the day I have to leave. And I worry a lot about my future these days. I don't know what I'm going to do afterwards.
I've been debating joining the navy after this job since I feel like I've run out of options, and need to make a big change and most of all need money. I'm afraid not only that I won't fit in, being a nerdy guy, but also reading the news about Taiwan the Navy suddenly seems a whole lot less of a safe option if China invades soon & the U.S decides to get involved.
I really feel like a failure, like I've just failed to measure up, and can't seem to fit in anywhere.
What talent I have is ineffectual or intellectual. To succeed in this world almost entirely falls down to one's social skill, and I just can't develop this aspect of myself. I remain flat, static, impassive, and devoid of personality. Like I've never really matured into a real adult, and still just waste my time with frivolous distractions whether social media, video games, or books.
Being around other normal people my age frightens and depresses me because it only makes me more aware of how much of a massive gulf there is between me and them.
There's something about missing normal development when your young that just stays with you and never goes away. No matter what I always feel like an outsider. Wherever I go I am trespassing. In a public space I feel watched, though this is only narcissism, and can only breathe freely once I find some corner free from all sight. When I walk past a stranger I feel intensely their gaze, I hold my breath in, and look down or to the side fearing accidently meeting the other person's eyes.
There is no place for me anywhere. I cannot make a space for myself. An awful feeling that has defined most of my life.
What youthful energy I have remains always restrained, repressed. I can never give it expression, like I'm trapped within myself always.
Time flies by me and I find I've wasted another day refreshing /lit/ over and over. Or even just reading for hours, which to me now feels like an equal waste.