/lit/ - Literature

>>22388617
Don't worry anon, we're all gonna make it. Probably.

I realized that almost every relationship I've ever had, whether with a friend or a coworker, wasn't what I thought it was. People didn't think I was funny or that I had deep insights or whatever, they liked watching me act retarded in front of them so they could laugh about it together afterwards, or using me as a foil to make themselves look smarter and more competent. They don't trust me with things because they trust my judgement, they do it because they know I'll probably fuck up and if I don't they can take the credit for what I do easily. I only ever figured it out in hindsight, after it was all over, and I still kept believing that things would be different until just recently.

The common variable in all of it is me, though, so what does that say about me? That I'm a clueless fuckup and retard? I don't want to believe that but the evidence stacks up. I'd almost prefer if there was some other reason, like a brain tumor causing me to become dumber over time or something, since at least it would make it excusable and potentially treatable. How do you treat having a faulty view of reality and bad judgement? I can't even trust the choices I present myself, much less my own decisions about those choices.

I'm tired of being tangled up in a world I don't understand. I want to be left alone and to pursue my stupid little interests without getting close to anybody or having to try and navigate some ridiculous social system where it seems like no one genuinely likes anyone else and everyone is just waiting for the right time to throw someone under the bus to get ahead. I'm tired of having the urge to connect and socialize and have intimacy with people because it's only ever caused me stress and heartache. I don't want to hear another motivational speech about how I'm really a cool interesting alpha chad deep down and I just have to realize it if it's just going to give me false confidence and bring me to another failure again - I'd rather just be the dull, socially stunted loser I know I really am, alone and in peace.

>>21631554
when I read him I get comfy. so, I like him. it's literally that simple.

>>20854924
Goodbye anon

>hate touching people
>hate being touched
>still crave physical contact like hugging, cuddling, and holding hands even though I'd probably sperg out if someone actually did that kind of thing with me
>zero opportunities to meet women due to my job

Books on never connecting to other people and growing old all alone?

For 5 or 6 years now, I've been constantly aware of the fact that my pure awareness exists prior to my memories, identity, thoughts, and sensations, and perceive myself as separate from those. I feel strong emotions, but from somewhere else, as if they were bounded by something or expressed artificially. I have habits and various thoughts, and watch them come and go. When I do something pleasurable I can see the physical sensation of pleasure and turn it on or off if I feel like it. Instead of feeling like Anon the person, I feel like some nameless amorphous being temporarily squeezed into the shape of Anon for the duration of his life.
On occasion my mind walks through each step of the separate parts in sequence, the senses, the perceptions, the emotions, the thoughts, the memories, the identity, the awareness itself, and once or twice it brushes against something else. I exist and am real, but there is something more real than me, separate, but from which my existence has its source and without whose will I would not exist.

>>17036538
I hope he gets better anon.
>>17036597
I love you too desu
>>17036627
Go see a psychiatrist, and maybe drink some alcohol I care about you anon. Don't try heroin.
>>17036742
Revenge is for niggers and (((jews))), what would Hitler do?

>mfw no personality
>mfw respond to all questions with "huh" or "ah" or monosyllables
>mfw distant from family
>mfw want to be close to somebody but keep distancing myself for no reason
>mfw no frens