/lit/ - Literature

>>11615051
Yeah definitely needs an editor:
>For a brief moment a plethora of negative emotions was seen by everyone
Shouldn't that be 'were' seen?

>Melker butted in, rumbling and eyes gleaming strangely
What is rumbling here? His voice? His stomach? Unclear

>something resembling grief passed on his features, then shifted away
Awkwardly constructed, the whole 'passing on his features' thing is strange. Is shifted the right word?

>All of them got some clear, odorous liquid poured into small glasses.
Again sounds awkward to me. Were they given the drinks? Or were their glasses refilled? 'Clear, odorous liquid was poured into small glasses and offered to each of them', sounds more natural.

>His tingly fingers had a hard time not spill any.
I assume it should be 'spilling'?

You basically just need some to go through with a fine-tooth comb in this manner for the whole thing, would improve it immensely. The style is strangely casual at times and it could all just do with a cleaning up. I've been critical so I feel I should buy it, but currently can't spend anything until Friday when I'm paid so I'll do so then