/lit/ - Literature

>>8591311
>4u
I tried writing a book partially in present tense once. The awkwardness of the tense was unshakable (which was good in my case), but if the tense doesn't play any particular literary role, then I think it's best for you to stick to past.

>request for critique
This might actually be a better idea than creating my own thread. I've been working on a paragraph this morning that doesn't sound right to me. Maybe it's too drawn out, but I do till want to capture all this imagery. Anyway, tell me what sounds off about it to you.

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We live within these walls where lambs and wolves cross seas together, where hydras mark the beginnings and angels the ends. Mediums massage our minds while Orwellian words make thoughts their dinner. A spirit sets sail for Ithica and arrives centuries after in Dublin, as from a cave on a sinking island, a frightful army marches. Sabatons thrash through the rising water, as Scots and Danes drown themselves in tragedy; beyond them floats a wizard’s hat… a coffin gowned in daisies… a painting of a girl in white, opening a door. For better or for worse, our history is told in stories. And somewhere in the middle of it all, a professor returns from the cusp of death.

I've been working on this paragraph for the better half of the morning, but something still seems off about it. I'd appreciate thoughts / ideas about what feels "wrong" about it to you.

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We live within these walls where lambs and wolves cross seas together, where hydras mark the beginnings and angels the ends. Mediums massage our minds while Orwellian words make thoughts their dinner. A spirit sets sail for Ithica and arrives centuries after in Dublin, as from a cave on a sinking island, a frightful army marches. Sabatons thrash through the rising water, as Scots and Danes drown themselves in tragedy; beyond them floats a wizard’s hat… a coffin gowned in daisies… a painting of a girl in white, opening a door. For better or for worse, our history is told in stories. And somewhere in the middle of it all, a professor returns from the cusp of death.