/lit/ - Literature

newfag here, how can I improve my shitposts? Any resource recommendations on writing funny short stories?


[...]
He was going down a chain of thoughts which could last for hours if he didn’t realize. The plane would land in the meantime and his plan would fail. He didn't allow his thoughts to occupy him anymore, he quickly got up and went on with his plan. The plane was quiet since it was nearly 2 o’clock in the morning and since tomorrow was a work day, most people were catching up on some sleep. The few who were awake either night owls or enjoying the view of flying through a storm. They pose no threat to his plans. He calmly proceeded towards the cockpit door and took a deep breath. And began Phase 1.

He shouted his lungs out towards the cockpit door: “Have you tried eating a watch? It’s very time consuming!” The pilots, who are professionals well equipped to deal with retarded passengers went along with the protocol. As the Co-Pilot grabbed the emergency retard pacifier crowbar and positioned himself behind the cockpit door where he could not be seen just as the protocols suggested. The Pilot went along with the “retard” in the red coat and said: “Oh that’s really funny! Why don’t you come in to tell us more jokes?”.
As they opened the cockpit door the soon to be late pilot realized the fact that the man in the red coat was not an ordinary retard but an ambitious one or even a “smart” one. They were not at all equipped to deal with bigger cases like this and shouldn’t have opened the door. These were not going to be problems in the future for the Pilot since he was dead on the floor. The carbon fiber knife had not been detected in the X-Rays and the man in the red coat was able to sneak it past all checks inside his trusty red coat for the knife to say “hello” to the internal organs of the now late Pilot.
Co-Pilot still in shock by the body of his commander and friend lying in a pool of blood, froze in place, giving the perfect opportunity for the man in the red coat to swiftly enter the cockpit and lock the door behind them, stopping any Airplane police to intervene. “Hands up or I’ll shoot you in the fucking face” they were both confused from what the man in the red coat said because he didn’t had any gun on him. He just said the line from the movie “The Death Of Stalin”, a personal favorite of his among “Borat”, “Fight Club” and “Teletubbies”.
“Your money or your life!” His retardness was in hyperdrive mode since this also was an unrelated quote from the video game “Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion” although not his favorite, he preferred “Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim”. Co-Pilot still shaken by the dead body on the floor, was further irreversibly damaged mentally by the actions of the man in the red coat and didn’t know what to do, but that was not that big of an issue since the man in the red coat neither knew what to do.
[...]