/lit/ - Literature

Autumn's Here:

Down yr curving drive descend
Up our woolly hills we rise
Flat, we see our homes n’ lives
Blue—hazed
Unreachable—behind yr lie

Beside yr peak, green dreams sleep
Burn, burning!
Turn bright red

Leaves in trees, yr hopes n’ dreams
Whispering, whispering:
...autumn’s here...

Into the breeze, yr leaves do flee
Side by side,
I watch them leave

Black branches twist for shade (from sun)
From the wasteland heat
Of yr parents’ gaze

Well then,
let’s
Cross yr dreams like open seas
with hulls and oars, ascend our swells

Down yr curving shores, descend
Up our tidal waves, we’ll rise
To cry—but fly
Plunge to the sea

Dreams gulp pacific blue void
More water;
fires, dead
…

Wick to whisper of tendriling smoke
My bellows weren’t strong
Enough for us both

Well then
With threads of shores, you strung me along;
Never again
Do I trust a mirage

>>7355284
>but it's like... it's a very first-person view narration.
Did you feel sort of trapped, or something?

>maybe not shift prose style too abruptly
Like, when it shifts in the chapter changes? or? Sorry, I can't think of where I shifted prose style abruptly. Maybe I'm misreading your post.

>I'd advice having more shorter sentences, or at least some in between the longer ones.
Duly noted, thanks.

>given how full of feeling it is
That's nice to know. Thanks anonymous pooster.

>>7333562
>>7333566
>>7333573
Sounds dank. How do we start?

http://pastebin.com/st8xJkUZ

Something in 1st person present tense, yo.