/lit/ - Literature

I am going to die from a health disorder at some point within a few years, or if I do not die, I will be in such a state as to wish that I were dead. Before that point comes, I will commit a peculiar act. My inspiration is two-fold; for one, I will be dead regardless, and second, I want to make a great change in the world, or if not change it, become one of the many that have tried and nobly failed.
I have made preparations to this effect, including some written quotations, basic outline and select paragraphs, I've memorized some paragraphs to be written when the time comes, and procured several items and skills. I am absolutely going to do this. If not now, in a year, or if not in a year, in two, and so on. The only reason I am alive is the fact that the individual still possesses the power to attempt radical change in the world, and I have not only the capacity to try but every incentive to do so; it is as if I have been blessed by God with an early death to that end.
I know that no matter what happens, death is the result for me. That is as I wish it. I do not wish to continue living, although I cannot say I have the courage to kill myself outright- that remains to be seen. I can talk all I want, but when the time comes my words will be tested against my will. I suppose the greatest fact of my current situation is that death approaches fast regardless of my own actions.

What is confusing to me is the frequent desire to give up. At times I want to run away from it all into a deep Alaskan wilderness and die of starvation, and at other times I feel a desire to commit myself to an institution. In the case of the former, though, I will be shirking my "duty" to the people that suffer where I may be able to prevent it, and in the case of the latter, I still shirk my duty, accomplish nothing, subject myself to further scrutiny, and will die regardless.