/lit/ - Literature

https://pastebin.com/uCTh1nUG
I critiqued a bunch of people in the previous thread, got no responses on this one.

>>10205540
Get more creative, writers jump at the change to describe pain and recovery because they can reach into the most basic forms of human emotion and draw out the most vivid and abstract feelings.

>>10205515
Dialogue is as >>10205515 said, some descriptions like the eyes as calculating orbs is bad, I like the cigarette bit.

https://pastebin.com/uCTh1nUG

>>10199380
The semicolon at the beginning can be its own sentence. Fix your weird formatting and punctuation beyond that.

>>10199477
Some good imagery but the sentences are disjointed. Keep practicing English. A whimsical style would support your grammar.

>>10200106
>just shit this out
Then nobody is going to read it. Revise it first.

>>10200585
FWIW I couldn't tell that your first language isn't English. You can omit the word "obviously", since it can't be too obvious if you're going to tell the reader anyway. Specify the 2008 cisis as the 2008 Recession.

>>10201650
>the crowing of the crow
Yes, crows crow. You can do better than that. The rhyming feels forced.

>>10203187
Nobody ever became a script writer by only reading manga.