/lit/ - Literature

>>20011863
I rewrote it to be less muddled with bizarre descriptions.

You seem to force in these very strange descriptors that don't at all fit the mood of this scene. Simplicity is prized over complication, and your descriptors/prose are no different. If used, they should compliment the setting, characters, emotions, or have a consistent/coherent theme. Don't force them in just because they might sound neat in your head, when on the page, they make no sense and sound completely foreign to the ear.

Case in point:
>"Gout of vomit"
Regardless of correct word usage, this phrase just sounds awkward and misplaced. I've NEVER heard it before, and it feels like a reach.

And a few other points:
>"Cheshire grin"
Avoid Cliches.

>"His lips, also gyrating"
Don't flex your 8th grade vocab if you don't know what the word means.

>"smashed into the soft fabric of the pants with a low thud."
Unless his groin is made of solid cement, this description makes no sense. Actually find out how it would sound. No one hears "thud" when kicked in the groin.

>"standing half-straight"
This is actually the place where you SHOULD have used a clever description to visualize how bent over and collapsed his stature had become, but you instead go for this bland non-visual.